Nope

Intuition is a funny thing. Sometimes you can’t put your finger on it but you just know something is not right. That’s been my feeling for some time and today I was regrettably proven right. 

The scan showed that I do indeed have an embryo in my womb (no ectopic!) but as the doctor poked about for a while looking for a heartbeat I started to get the same bad feeling that I got last time. He said the embryo was still a little immature and so harder to see the heartbeat. I asked at what rate the heart was beating and he told me it was around 80bpm. I remembered this was lower than what other ladies reported after their scans so questioned him. 

I said the embryo is 7 weeks along so asked shouldn’t it be stronger? He then muttered that he needed to check the timings. I told him I’d calculated it and the embryo was 7 weeks (I was right of course). I then asked how big it is and he told me 2.5mm. Again, red flags going everywhere for me at this stage! I then asked isn’t that small? And he again said he would need to check the dates FFS!! He later revealed that it should be 10mm at this stage so it was REALLY small!

Then as I was so sure on the dates he took a closer look and confided that the sac looked to be abnormally large, another sign of abnormality. 

The world started closing in on me at this stage. 

Further discussions happened and he finally confirmed that indeed the embryo is way too small for 7 weeks. He said that he was “not optimistic this will be a viable pregnancy” and that most likely the heart will stop beating in the next few days. There is like some kind of freakazoid percentage that says the embryo will survive but the reality is that it is too far behind in growth. 

Doctor seems to think the issue is either we are really freaking unlucky to have 2 embryos with such abnormalities or that the whole batch is corrupt. I’m leaning on favouring the latter. So even though we have one frozen embryo remaining I’m pretty certain we are not going to use it. Instead it looks like another full cycle. This is what I didn’t want. 

So our plan of action is to keep taking all meds for now as though everything is normal. Then I go back next Wednesday and he’s going to tell me it’s dead and arrange to scrape it out (D&C). (I may have paraphrased his exact words here!)

Hubby and I both left the appointment full of sadness. We sat in my car for a while just being sad. He suggested I don’t go to work but I decided to go anyway (better than being alone at home). My boss knows my situation and removed me from the office immediately for a coffee, a bit of a cry and then we went and bought some new Havianas flip flops (because WHY NOT?!). 

This time I didn’t get a shock like last time. I expected this actually. I’m massively sad and hurting but I’d prepared myself for this a bit. I still feel like a useless lump and a poor wife/woman but I guess that’s to be expected.

For now it’s another waiting game. When does this ever end?