Nope

Intuition is a funny thing. Sometimes you can’t put your finger on it but you just know something is not right. That’s been my feeling for some time and today I was regrettably proven right. 

The scan showed that I do indeed have an embryo in my womb (no ectopic!) but as the doctor poked about for a while looking for a heartbeat I started to get the same bad feeling that I got last time. He said the embryo was still a little immature and so harder to see the heartbeat. I asked at what rate the heart was beating and he told me it was around 80bpm. I remembered this was lower than what other ladies reported after their scans so questioned him. 

I said the embryo is 7 weeks along so asked shouldn’t it be stronger? He then muttered that he needed to check the timings. I told him I’d calculated it and the embryo was 7 weeks (I was right of course). I then asked how big it is and he told me 2.5mm. Again, red flags going everywhere for me at this stage! I then asked isn’t that small? And he again said he would need to check the dates FFS!! He later revealed that it should be 10mm at this stage so it was REALLY small!

Then as I was so sure on the dates he took a closer look and confided that the sac looked to be abnormally large, another sign of abnormality. 

The world started closing in on me at this stage. 

Further discussions happened and he finally confirmed that indeed the embryo is way too small for 7 weeks. He said that he was “not optimistic this will be a viable pregnancy” and that most likely the heart will stop beating in the next few days. There is like some kind of freakazoid percentage that says the embryo will survive but the reality is that it is too far behind in growth. 

Doctor seems to think the issue is either we are really freaking unlucky to have 2 embryos with such abnormalities or that the whole batch is corrupt. I’m leaning on favouring the latter. So even though we have one frozen embryo remaining I’m pretty certain we are not going to use it. Instead it looks like another full cycle. This is what I didn’t want. 

So our plan of action is to keep taking all meds for now as though everything is normal. Then I go back next Wednesday and he’s going to tell me it’s dead and arrange to scrape it out (D&C). (I may have paraphrased his exact words here!)

Hubby and I both left the appointment full of sadness. We sat in my car for a while just being sad. He suggested I don’t go to work but I decided to go anyway (better than being alone at home). My boss knows my situation and removed me from the office immediately for a coffee, a bit of a cry and then we went and bought some new Havianas flip flops (because WHY NOT?!). 

This time I didn’t get a shock like last time. I expected this actually. I’m massively sad and hurting but I’d prepared myself for this a bit. I still feel like a useless lump and a poor wife/woman but I guess that’s to be expected.

For now it’s another waiting game. When does this ever end?

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44 thoughts on “Nope

    1. What a day to stumble on it! Thanks for reaching out. Yeah it sucks massively but I’ve been there before so I know what to expect at least.

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      1. It doesn’t make it any easier… I just finished celebrating orthodox easter last weekend and am back to the routine and trying to figure out what our next steps should be… Your blog made me wonder if you are also based in Cyprus but maybe you don’t want to say here 🙂 Anyway sorry to blabber on about my stuff, take care of yourself during this sucky time and good luck with your next steps xxx

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  1. I am so sorry to hear this 😦 My heart aches for you. Did you do the PGS testing on this batch? If not have you considered it for the current IVF round? We did PGS testing on ours and found half to be bad and have chromosome abnormalities that either would have led to miscarriage or would have never implanted. They save on average 32% are abnormal, ours was 50%. Please keep us updated and stay strong!

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    1. Thank you. Actually no PGS on this batch but we will do it on the next one. I think mine might be running at a 100% ratio right now. 😳 I’ll certainly keep everyone updated.

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  2. I am so sorry to hear this 😦 My heart aches for you. Did you do the PGS testing on this batch? If not have you considered it for the current IVF round? We did PGS testing on ours and found half to be bad and have chromosome abnormalities that either would have led to miscarriage or would have never implanted. They save on average 32% are abnormal, ours was 50%. Please keep us updated and stay strong!

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    1. It is indeed total BS. I’m still at work would you believe it!! I just feel empty emotionally actually. But thanks for reaching out to me. I really appreciate it! xx

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    1. I know right. I feel like I’ve let the gang down! Everyone was cheering for me and then it was bad news. But for now I just get to carry around a barely living embryo for a few more days. I am definitely having a drink at this wedding on Saturday!!! xxx

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  3. It’s absolutely awful that’s for sure, no words can even do it justice. And having to wait isn’t easy. I’ll be thinking of you. Oh and yes definitely have a drink…I’ve been drinking so much ever since my D&C, I wondered if it was possible that I had become an alcoholic in only a week, but I figure I’m just rebelling after months of being so cautious with everything. I hope that you can manage to have fun at the wedding, if that’s even possible during this time xo

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    1. I have scheduled in some heavy drinking for end of next week. Last time I didn’t want to drink for a bit afterwards – certainly not the day of! But I applaud your drinking! I’m sure you’re not an alcoholic. Hahaha! Well none of the family know anything about anything so I will just hope they don’t ask any questions! I figure no one will be interested in me so can probably hide. The family stuff starts tonight though and I don’t know if I can face it all – especially the baby.

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      1. Ugh I can imagine that family stuff would be pretty much the last thing you would want to do right now-so difficult! That’s probably a good thing they don’t know anything. Yeah I’m a pretty lousy alcoholic because I hadn’t drunk in so long so anything over 2 drinks and I’m ready for bed, hahaha.
        Good luck with the family stuff.

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      1. I’m so sorry! I hate that you’re blaming yourself. That comment above about letting everyone down hurts my heart. I hate that you feel like that. We talked yesterday about this whole process not being in our control. Remember that, it’s NOT in your control. It’s NOT your fault. I’m so incredibly sad for you. 😔

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      2. Thanks lovely. I’m just tired today and feeling a bit raw. It will pass I’m sure. I know it’s not really my fault – especially this time as I have been so careful, but there is clearly something wrong. It’s just so sad. xxx

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  4. I’m so sorry to hear this! I thought it was all going to be great for you. This sucks. I’m mad at the world right now! Sending you hugs and hoping you can have a large glass of wine. X

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    1. Yep, sucks really bad. But there you go. Nothing I can do but try again another time. No wine until we know for sure what the situation is, which is not for another week it seems. Ugh. x

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  5. Oh AKL that is devastating, I am so sorry to hear your bad news. You are right, for some reason you seem to just ‘know’ when something isn’t right. It must be so much harder to get a positive result, with all the elation and happiness, only to have it ripped away from you at 7 weeks. At least you know you can get embryos to stick, and PGS will select you a healthy & normal embryo, so I have a lot of optimism that you’ll have success on your next cycle. Looks like we’ll be cycle sisters if you start again soon. xxx

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  6. I’m seriously devastated for you. I’m so glad you have this outlet and all of this outpouring of love and support from this community. Please take care of yourself and your hubby. Wishing you the best and least amount of emotional and physical pain in the next few days. Hugs.

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    1. The outpouring of love is pretty spectacular actually! Thanks for your support – I wish the days would melt away so that we can get some kind of clarity/closure. Until then I’m pregnant and not pregnant all at the same time (although my boobs are firmly in the pregnant category still). 🙂 xx

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  7. I’m very sorry for the bad news today. It’s all just so unfair and sad. I had one frozen embryo after my first round of IVF ended in miscarriage, but chose not to implant and to go ahead with further rounds, this time with the PGS testing, to avoid the chance of implanting an embryo again that would not result in a viable pregnancy. You will hopefully get some answers by doing that as well. Maybe you’ve already thought about this, but you could request they do genetic testing when you have the d&c. I found it so helpful to know that my pregnancy ended because of a problem with the embryo.

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    1. It’s good advice. I was already thinking of sending this one for testing just to see what they can tell me. We are already pretty confident it is a genetic issue in the embryo but I wonder how detailed they can be about the exact issue. Given how much money we are throwing at this overall, why not pay some more and get every avenue checked.

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  8. I’m so sorry. . I was rooting for you all the way and still am. Any chance that the baby might catch up though? 😔
    Like the rest said it does look like you have to do the pgs testing and I’m certain it’ll be successful since implantation isn’t an issue for you.
    Huge huge bear hugs for you with lots of love! !! We’re all here for and with you! !

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    1. Thanks luv. I think there is some freakish chance that it might catch up but as it’s tracking so far behind almost certainly no. Also the sac was larger than it’s meant to be and this is another sign of an abnormality. I guess they make TV shows out of weird science happenings so never say never, but it’s not looking at all optimistic at this stage. So you’re going to have to crack on without me it seems and have a really healthy and beautiful baby. 🙂 xx

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