It’s been two weeks today since my latest D&C and it’s been a strange old time. The loss this time has affected me differently – and arguably worse – than last time and I have really been struggling the past week.
The first week after the D&C I think I just felt empty, but after that it was a new sensation. The best word I can think of to describe my overall state is drained. I have had no energy, no enthusiasm, and definitely no ability to be happy. I’ve not wanted to have anything to do with anyone, and I mean that in a literal way as I have avoided all contact with humanity beyond what is required of my job. I’m a pretty cheerful and out-going personality usually and so people have been noticing, which has also not helped.
I delayed telling my best friend about the (failed) embryo transfer and D&C until last weekend, but when I finally did confess and apologise for being such a terrible friend she was very supportive and understanding. I also delayed talking to my mother-in-law until this week (she has known for about a week before that), which I think was a good decision as I was a tiny bit more ready for her 10 million questions when they came (all of which I have no answers for, of course).
I’ve been asked I don’t know how many times how are you? But you know what, most people actually don’t want to know how I really am. They want me to answer that I’m feeling much better and looking forward to the future and positive that with more persistence eventually I will have a baby. But that is really, really not how I feel. So I am either torn between giving them the answer they want or being honest and telling them I’m totally crap and really don’t want to talk about it anymore.
I’ve quickly found that the second option is not socially acceptable.
But it’s been an interesting time in terms of not caring what other people think as I have routinely been giving the second answer and disregarding the consequences. People get very awkward after hearing this, but I’ve spent so much of my life (particularly recent years) trying to be diplomatic and always appear like everything is fine in public but this is to please other people. I am do not have the energy or the motivation to please other people right now.
By refusing the diplomatic option, I think people are starting to see how deeply this whole baby-making fiasco is affecting me. While hardly making them able to tap into how I feel fully (how do you effectively convey the intensity of IVF and the associated loss to someone who has never experienced it first hand?), I think people are starting to realise I am struggling. This is the first time I’ve let people really see that during this process.
Also, my boss is sending me off to a counsellor as I think she’s decided I’m depressed (maybe she’s right – how do I know?) I know I have been pretty brutal at work….
But actually the past couple of days I have started to feel a tiny bit better. I started yoga on Monday and, while I’ve always dabbled in it in the past I’ve never really focused on yoga, preferring running and gym classes instead. This time I have promised myself that at least for the next month I am going to try and go to yoga 3 times a week. This week I think I’ll make it 2 times as I had a work engagement last night, and also it’s probably better to ease into it. The yoga I do is physically challenging (good) but also I think it’s helping me to like myself a tiny bit.
Physically, I think I’m doing much better. Almost no bleeding anymore (thank goodness!) and my boobs have gone down a little. My belly is still more inflated than normal, but I have lost half a kilogram and I’m hoping the other half will be gone by the end of next week. If I can get another kg off after that I think I will start to feel a little better in myself.
I haven’t read or commented on anyone’s blogs for a week or so because I just don’t have it in me to share your joys and pain just yet. That doesn’t mean I don’t care and I am utterly thrilled that many of you are doing so well right now. I’m glad someone is getting this IVF stuff right!