Don’t test the universe

It’s so easy to get caught up in the emotional weight of failed IVF, failed pregnancy, miscarriage and loss.  To say I’ve been swept up in a whole sea of negativity in the past couple of months is not even covering it.  I’ve been purposely staying a long distance away from blog land because I felt like I didn’t have much to contribute.  I also felt like things couldn’t get worse than they were.

I was wrong.

They got worse.

Last week my cat went missing and my heart is broken. Even if you don’t like cats, all you need to know is that my cat was very special to me. She and her brother were rescued together by my husband and I from a full-scale-crazy-cat-lady when we first moved to his country five years ago. Having a cat was part of the deal.  We chose one each, although my cat chose herself when she strolled confidently out of the pen and meowed at me.  It was love at first sight!

Living in a country that is not your own, especially one that is vastly different to your own in culture is hard and I have found it particularly hard for various reasons. But at the end of the day I’ve always known I could come home to my cat and everything would be okay. She has a funny personality – a bit sensitive, prone to panicking by strange noises and happenings – but she was entirely devoted to me, staying by my side always. If I get up from the sofa, she gets up from the sofa. If I go to lie on the bed, she comes with me.  When I have my shower she sits on the closed toilet seat lid and keeps me company.  She has/had a way of purring when she sleeps that makes vibrations that I find soothing. On those days when absolutely nothing was good in the whole universe, she was the one thing that made me feel just enough better to keep going.

I even joked (although maybe I was a bit serious) that if I had to choose between my husband and my cats I’d choose the cats.

So since she’s been missing I’ve been super traumatised. I won’t go into all the various details, but it seems she might have got a fright while sitting on the window ledge of our first floor apartment and fallen off.  I have searched everywhere, spoken to the neighbours, put signs up, added her details to Facebook pages for lost animals.  Nothing. I walk the streets at least twice a day still looking for her and she went missing last Thursday. Over Thursday and Friday I must have spent about 15 hours looking for her in total.

I literally sobbed non-stop Thursday night and all day Friday, managing to compose myself on Saturday for a wedding and then a Christening on Sunday (I lost it a bit at that, but everyone seemed to think I was very emotional about the baby – ha!). Somehow the past couple of days I’ve reached a plateau of peace. Cats are cats.  Bad things happen to us all (cats included, but not specific to them) and I have to find a way to move on.

But the strangest thing that’s happened, and which is the only mildly positive or at least not entirely negative thing is that it’s given me perspective. Suddenly the IVF stuff has taken a back seat in my brain.  I feel like I couldn’t care less about the next round of IVF.  Here I am trying to make a new baby and yet my current baby is missing.

So while I will still give absolutely anything to have my gorgeous cat back – I even made a wish on the New Moon last night that she would come back and I’ve never done that before – it has helped me develop a tiny bit of perspective, if only fleeting.

Also, don’t test the universe.  Just when you think you can’t feel any more pain something worse comes along.

As for the IVF stuff… well I went to my doctor for a check-up post-D&C a couple of weeks ago and he was surprisingly open to more investigative tests along the lines of auto-immune related.  I had armed myself for a bit of a fight before my appointment and then he was quite open and keen to do these tests too which shocked me.  Today I went off to see a rheumatologist who has in turn set up a series of investigative blood tests for me.  I have Raynaud’s Syndrome and that can be an indication of an underlying auto-immune problem so we are trying to determine if we need further supportive meds for the next IVF round.

It’s good to have something else to test, even if it all comes back negative. This doctor was also really nice, comforting and very encouraging. He made me feel the most normal I have with any medical professional in a long time.

Our plan is now to start the next IVF round at my next period.  The general programme is one month of the pill, then the down-reg drugs, followed by stims.  I estimate the eggs will get taken out sometime in early September, which will mean a late October, early November transfer.  In the meantime, I’m heading off on a holiday back to my mother country next week (even though it’s winter there – ugh) followed by a little holiday in a jungle on the way back.

Now if I could just get my cat to come home I will be happy.

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