Baby N had the last of his monthly birthdays last Sunday as he hit 11 months and it just blows my mind that in a few weeks we are going to be celebrating his first birthday. I really feel truly emotional thinking about it. I think back to all the struggles we had, the surgery to remove my giant fibroid, the IVF, the pregnancies and the losses, the insane amount of tests and specialists I visited and then our magic little embryo that grew into a baby. I remember being too scared to imagine during my pregnancy that I would ever have my own, live baby to hold and to love so I didn’t really embrace my pregnancy as much as other people do. I was not open about sharing my pregnancy, I thought I looked huge (now I can see I didn’t look especially gigantic) and actually I’m kind of a bit sad with myself for it all. But that’s the thing about hindsight; it is always so much clearer than in the moment you are living it.
I’ve got to say that the months have zoomed by once baby N got to about 4 months old, although before that the early weeks dragged on with an endless sense of dread at surviving another day on no sleep and being alone with a young baby. I have no doubt that I had mental health issues during that phase which upsets me to the day, but it is what it is. Then there were the issues with baby N’s wonky neck and flat head which sounded like a tragedy of immeasurable amounts at the time and nearly tipped me over the edge, but turned out to be entirely manageable.
Now baby N is a delight! He’s a joyful, healthy, and really funny little guy who I couldn’t imagine not being around. Last Friday hubby and I went to a wedding and baby N stayed overnight with his grandparents and you know I couldn’t sleep because he wasn’t at home. Isn’t it funny how things change with just a little time and patience?
Baby N is now FINALLY on the move! He is rather slow in this regard and so I am pleased to see progress. He doesn’t officially crawl but he scoots around a little one-way-or-another. He has also discovered our robot vacuum cleaner and is obsessed with it. He’s really funny as he worked out how to turn it on the other day and squealed with delight. I managed to video it so I am also happy I will be able to keep that one as a memory. Although he hasn’t worked out how to pull himself up yet, if we bring him to standing he is pretty good at staying upright while holding our hands. His favourite toy apart from the robot is a bunch of wooden blocks I got from Early Learning Centre. He mainly likes emptying the box and then putting them back in but also occasionally he likes banging on the box. Meanwhile the adults around him have great fun building actual structures with the blocks, which he of course knocks down in less than 2 seconds.
My husband and I occasionally discuss the possibility of having another child. I am aware that it is only a possibility because of the difficulties in having baby N, but there are 15 embryos on ice that are potential siblings for him and that weighs very heavily on me. I am warming up to the idea but at the same time I feel such terror at the early weeks. I think I’m better equipped to handle the situation this time, but then again it won’t be that there is only one child to love and take care of. I seriously wonder how people with many children handle it. Like how do they leave the house? Also, how do the fertile folks who don’t have to use IVF manage to have sex to conceive the multiple children in the first place. I have many questions in this regard! Haha!
I’ve always been very honest here about my relationship and I will say that my husband is a great dad who is always spending time with his son so they have their own special relationship. He’s also very keen to support us as a family and does a lot around our home to provide for us and to make sure I don’t fully lose my mind. He makes sure to take baby N when I look especially exhausted or so that I can visit the gym. That being said, he is sometimes a real jerk and I have been struggling with that. I am a bit of a sensitive creature and he is a little harsh at times. During the past couple of weeks I’ve been finding it particularly hard to reconcile some of the mean things he has said to me, although I think you’d find if you asked him that he doesn’t think they are anything noteworthy. I’ve even brought it up with him but still they linger. Ugh.
As for our romantic life I think it is officially dead. Or at least it is cryogenically frozen for now. We have had several open, non-stressful conversations about this and my husband assures me he is keen to re-start this aspect of our relationship and gives various excuses (the ceasing of it has fallen entirely into his hands as I am very pro-getting it on) but I’m yet to see any of it convert into actions. At the wedding last week I made a special effort to wear sexy underwear and glam up. He commented that my butt was “nice” which was progress but it never went any further. He was really nice to me and held my hand but there was nothing beyond that, even in the morning when we were alone as the baby was with his grandparents. This really upset me a great deal and has lingered on my heart this week. At once point the other day I even offered he should have a girlfriend – it was kind of a reverse psychology move but even that didn’t excite him. Like, I literally told him he had permission to go sleep with someone else even though I really didn’t want him to! Maybe he sensed that, but I’m at a loss now. It bothers me a lot as I am very keen to get some action, with practically anyone at this point, but I don’t actually want to go outside of my relationship to do so. Anyone else had a similar issue? I am very keen for some advice in this regard.
Onto more cheery matters… Baby N. Here’s the last of the monthly updates for the small guy.
Age: 11 months + 2 days
Weight: I don’t know as he’s not been weighed recently but I’m guessing around 12kg.
Feeding: Baby N continues to eat really nicely and there’s not much he won’t eat. A couple of weeks ago his top two teeth came through so he can now bite on things a bit better which is fun. Once some of his molars come in I am sure he will be able to munch through a lot of stuff!
Sleeping routine: Baby N has two naps during the day usually and then sleeps from 9pm to 7am approximately. His bedtime is a bit late but we are in the Mediterranean and it’s summer. No one goes to bed early around here because it’s just so hot. It works for him at the moment but I expect I’ll bring his bedtime earlier in the winter. He is content and well and so I am not bothered by this right now.
Hair: Identical to mine at the same age! He has a kind of blondish colour, fine and wispy hair. It’s starting to curl up at the back which is super-adorable.
Eyes: Massive and inquisitive. He’s got great eyes!
Mummy update: I am starting to get my figure back thanks to more consistent working out. I can wear most of my old clothes but not all of them as there is a little too much flab around my belly still. I don’t think I’m going to bust out a bikini this year. I mean I could, but I don’t really love myself enough right now to do so. I went on a work trip to Copenhagen for three nights two weeks ago and baby N slept at his grandparents for those nights with daddy coming to visit each evening. He was totally fine and loved it so this is a good sign to me that we are entering the phase where I can do a little more occasionally and baby N will be ok. I’m enjoying my work generally and it was nice to go somewhere and feel like my old self for a few days. I might have enjoyed it at times a little too much, but then I was really happy to be reunited with my baby when I came back.
Emotionally I’ve not been at my best. When baby N was teething there was a week of not much sleep for me and I was really under pressure with work and my Mum’s situation too. At one point he was crying late into the evening and just as I calmed him down his daddy came and woke him up. I was furious. Beyond furious. I got so upset about it and then my husband mocked me for being upset. I am not going to lie, that I lost it at him big time. I actually thought he might divorce me that night it was so bad. Thankfully he calmed down after my outburst and was able to see that I was pushed beyond my limits and this was out of character for me. I hope he saw that he was making the situation worse, not better, but I don’t know. I’ve felt very vulnerable ever since and am trying to be more mindful to take care of myself. I am definitely having issues with loving myself on all the levels but I try and occasionally look in the mirror and appreciate what I’m seeing.
Today at work I made a silly mistake and it just brought everything out of me, tears etc. My colleagues must have thought I lost my mind because normally I am a calm, sensible character and my mistake did not deserve a reaction to this level. Despite all of this – and I realise I sound loopy – I’m mainly ok and managing most of the days to keep all the balls in the air. Today baby N has been invited to another baby’s first birthday paddling pool party so that’s something nice to look forward to. I think there is wine for the mummies (no daddies invited). Everything is always better after wine I find.