Week 37 – The freaking out has begun

I have cruised through most of this pregnancy in some kind of fog of disbelief that I was actually pregnant and going to have a baby after all the loss and disappointment.  For this reason, I don’t think I have really let it sink in what it actually means to be a mother and to have to take care of a tiny, fragile human being.  Well that seemed to suddenly hit me out of nowhere this week and I have started to freak out.

I’ve started questioning if I even know how to raise a baby? I have only ever changed one nappy/diaper in my entire life and that was my niece when she was 18 months old and it was just a wet nappy, no poop in there. I’m also a perfectionist and kind of a control-freak so I am worried about handing over so many responsibilities to my husband for the time frame when I am incapable of taking on regular activities. Then I start worrying about how long it will be that I’ll be out of action.  It’s a steady spiral of panic!

I”m sure his family will support us – they are very generous – but they are not the touchy-feely, earthy type that might be able to talk me through breast-feeding or baby sleeping woes (hubby was bottle fed anyway so the concept of breast feeding is kind of unfamiliar to his mother).  I know lots of people have their own mum come and stay with them for a couple of weeks to help them out and generally make sure they don’t go insane.  It’s not possible for my Mum to come as she has leukaemia and the travelling would be too much for her – and that’s before we even contemplate how she could continue her medial treatment while here. And my sister…. well… she’s a mystery. She doesn’t even send me a message to ask how the baby is.  The last time she messaged me was 14 June and that was in response to me thanking her for sending my husband’s birthday gift.

I’m not mentioning this to invoke miniature violins playing tunes of sympathy – we all have our own stuff going on which makes life tough – it is just some context as to why I’m freaking out because I’m not sure how I am meant to learn all of this baby stuff with no one around to tell me how to do it.  I do have some great friends here and back home who will only be a message or call away so I think that’s probably how it will go, but I am envious of those new mammas with stronger support networks to help them through the first few weeks where everything is so new and unfamiliar.

Anyway, in good news I PACKED MY BAG!  Or should I say bags. I decided it was easier to give baby one small bag and me another so that’s how it’s turned out.  During the bag-packing process I suddenly realised that the only baby blankets I have are quite thick and warm and didn’t seem very appropriate for roasting hot summer weather.  I consulted a good friend who had her son here in early August and she advised me to get some light “receiving blankets” so I picked up a couple today in Mothercare.  If I need more I can send hubby off to get them later as the shop is very close to home.

Other than that, I think I’m all set which is kind of CRAZY!  I also think the packing of the bag/s brought on a lot of my freaking out as I suddenly got a sense of the reality of what was coming.

Weight gain: A good solid gain of 1kg this week (2.2 lbs) which I put down to baby packing on the weight and also I think I’ve taken on a bit of fluid this week what with all of the hot weather and rushing about Ive been doing.  My feet and hands are still pretty good considering my late stage of pregnancy but they are bigger than normal.  I think everything is a little bit larger than normal although I think I look ok considering.  In total I am now up 16.5kg (36 pounds) and I think if I made it to 40 weeks I would definitely hit the 20kg mark so thank goodness baby is coming out before that can happen!

Symptoms: I have been plagued by Braxton Hicks contractions this week. They have been a real problem! They are undoubtedly triggered by doing too much, which is not how I expected my pre-baby maternity leave to go, but I’ve just found there are so many things that need doing. The worst day was Thursday where I found the BH got so intense that they were coming about every 10 minutes!  My doctor had said if they are 5-8 minutes apart or particularly painful then I am to come in for monitoring. In the evening I counted one that was 8 minutes apart and so we were getting prepared for a visit to the clinic, but after some dinner and a lie down on the sofa on my left side they started to space out substantially so it was ok.

Even on a good day I still find I get the BH in the evenings when I’m tired although they usually come around every half an hour during this period.  They were quite bad last night too but that was after the 2 hour maternity photo shoot where I had been walking a lot in hot weather and high wedge heels (the sacrifices we make for vanity), so it wasn’t like I didn’t realise why they were so bad.

I still have the issues with raging hot feet – they were particularly bad last night after the photoshoot / high heels situation – and so I continue with the ice packs and hope that this stupid symptom goes away after birth. I have some mild water retention in my fingers and toes but not something that others would necessarily notice by looking at me. I don’t have any other major symptoms which I think is pretty incredible actually!

Eating: Since I’m no longer at work I find myself munching quite a bit at home and I have to have a strong word with myself to make smart snack choices.  I think I would be having those same conversations with myself even if I wasn’t pregnant as there’s just something about not having to go to work that makes you feel like you’re on holidays and calories don’t count. I don’t have any particular cravings though.  I almost feel disappointed that I haven’t had any of those pickles-on-ice-cream-on-Doritos types of cravings that are some kind of urban myth.

Sleep: Not too bad considering my advanced stage of pregnancy. The afternoon naps have also been helping to keep me sane.

Movement: The small dude is still moving around a lot.  I think a lot of his movements are kind of turns as it feels like every one of my organs is being reallocated a new part of my abdominal cavity whenever he moves. Not only does it feel uncomfortable but it looks so freaky!

Emotions: I had a bit of a cry yesterday when I went to my hairdresser friend for him to do my maternity photoshoot hair.  He helped me to see how funny everything was so I felt a lot better afterwards.

Missing: Not much.  Everything is good this week.

Purchases: I bought a couple of light blankets today after my bag-packing-panic, a top-and-tail bath thing, and another fitted sheet for the moses basket.  The latter was purchased just because it was cute.  Mothercare was a special kind of hell this morning (Saturday morning) so I will try and avoid going there on a Saturday again!

Looking forward to: The baby’s birth!!  Yes, it’s little more than a week away now, hence why I am FREAKING OUT!!  The small dude is going to be on the outside soon.  OMG that is so incredible and scary and wild all at once!

I’m also looking forward to seeing the photos from our maternity shoot. I hope we took some nice ones.

Best moment: Not going to work this week was pretty awesome, but the highlight was the maternity shoot.  It was a last minute decision to book it and even though I was totally exhausted and super-sweaty when it was done I think it was a really wonderful thing to do. Most of the photos were with hubby and I together and really we haven’t had that much intimacy during the pregnancy so actually it was a great way to connect.  We chose a really gorgeous space to take the photos – a local park with Australian trees (it felt like home to me) and a lake – and we took the photos just before sunset so we should have got some “flattering light”

Here’s a photo I took with my iPhone when we were done.  Hard to believe this is in the middle of a city?! (No filters or photoshop used!)

Exercise: I have been running about cleaning things, doing errands, ironing, mopping – all sorts this week so I think actually I have been moving my butt more than usual and certainly more than when I was in the office.  Also, the photoshoot required a bunch of walking about on uneven ground in wedge heels and that was a special kind of workout all of itself at 8.5 months pregnant!

Bump update: The bump is sooooo big now!  I look back at my bump shots from like week 20 and I laugh when I think that I thought I was huge then.  I was not.  So if you are midway through your pregnancy and you think you are big, let me tell you that you ain’t seen nothing yet!  Hahahahahaha!

Week 25 (+2 days)– Are you sure you’re not having twins?

It finally happened! My bump has now become big enough that someone thought it would be HILARIOUS to ask if I was sure I was not having twins. Of course I did the polite thing and laughed and said, “Definitely just the one in there thanks!” What I wanted to say was, “I am absolutely, totally sure there is just one in there as I only let the clinic transfer one embryo and it’s pretty much impossible for another one to have snuck in there secretly when I had my eyes turned”. As almost everyone is unaware of our IVF journey, that might have blown my cover somewhat.

Now given this conversation you would have thought my bump is practically unmissable these days. And yet I went to a dinner party with three other couples on Thursday (the connecting factor were the husbands who went to school together) and two of the three couples, including the hosts, had no idea I was pregnant. They offered me wine twice and tried to get me to eat sushi (I really wanted both). At one point when it was getting a bit silly, my husband turned to me and said “Do they not know?” and I replied “Seems that way”, so then we had to literally ANNOUNCE I was pregnant when I’m almost six months along and about 8kg (nearly 18 pounds) up on my regular weight. If nothing else, what did they think caused that weight gain? Too many pre-Easter eggs? I’m a sporty person so an 8kg jump in weight would be something pretty damned serious under non-pregnant conditions!

I am starting to ease into this whole being pregnant business though. I have worn some form-fitting dresses this week and just let the bump be obviously prominent. There are some people I prefer to be more covered up around and I have worked out that this is because I don’t like those people and so by hiding the bump I don’t have to engage in as much personal, pregnancy-related chat. For those I like and feel comfortable around, I’m all for being bumpalicious!

Weight gain: During the second trimester I have been gaining around 500gm (a pound) a week. This is not as low as I’d hoped for, but I keep inspecting my legs and butt and it seems it’s just going to my mid-section so far, which helps me feel slightly less panicked about it. Slightly.

Symptoms: After a week off from heartburn last week, it has come back again this week! I had the worst case of it so far last night and ended up temporarily relieving it with some milk. I find I am a bit slower around my walking route these days, but really only on the uphill parts. I have to slowdown on the uphills as I find I get pretty bad round ligament pains if I don’t do so. My body is sending me a message and I’m trying to listen. Other than that I literally do not have any other symptoms. I count myself lucky about this every single day.

Eating: It’s Easter so there’s been a lot of treats the past few days. Easter is bigger than Christmas in the Mediterranean country where I’m based with hubby (his country) and Easter Sunday involves a massive feast, with meat the star of the show. I ‘m still a bit off meat and behaving semi-vegetarian so seeing an entire lamb being roasted today did put me off a little. One member of the family, who I would probably not be friends with if I wasn’t related to through marriage, was a little sassy to me during lunch when she saw my plate of salad and veggies and said “Are you vegan now?” She said it with such disdain it was actually funny. But can you imagine if I actually was vegetarian or vegan how awful that would have been to hear. It always amazes me how people can be so dammed insensitive.

I don’t know about you, but seeing the face, eyes and teeth of what I’m meant to be eating kinda puts me off my dinner (that’s lamb by the way, not a dinosaur )

Sleep: Not too bad this week. I’ve really gotten the hang of my maternity pillow and that seems to be helping a lot. I have pushed myself the past few days due to various Easter commitments and so I am hoping to recharge a bit over the next couple of nights. I still find myself waking up on my back but much less often now and hopefully I’ve spent less time on my back. It’s not comfortable anymore so I think that’s why I wake up.

Movement: Oh my goodness yes! This one is a mover! He seems to have changed his movements though and they are possibly more swishy like he’s rolling, but then occasionally I get a nice big punch or kick which keeps me alert. I think he keeps the same hours as my cats though – he gets active in the evenings and the early mornings and chills out in the middle of the day. Maybe the cats have been sending secret messages to the baby when they’ve been cuddling my bump…

Emotions: I was definitely feeling very down on Tuesday and Thursday. Someone who routinely annoys me at work because they are forever nit-picking finally pushed me over the edge on Thursday and I raised my voice (which I rarely do at work) and said “Well given I seem to be doing such a terrible job at this, why don’t you just do it yourself?” That did not go down well at all, but I think I made my point somewhat. About two hours after that exchange I burst into tears (not in front of that person) about the whole thing. There was also a crying episode randomly on Saturday morning that was a bit misplaced. So yeah… errr… totally no crazy emotions. Hahahaha!

Missing:  People not asking me 1700 personal questions and commenting on my evolving body shape every freaking day.

Purchases: I had to buy bras AGAIN!! My boobs are OUT OF CONTROL! I have actually given them a talking to and told them they are not to grow anymore. Hubby said to me today that he no longer recognises my boobs as being mine. Please stop growing, boobs! As I type this, the cat I have in my arms in the picture below is currently sleeping in one of my new bras as I left it lying on the bed. My bra is so enormous that my full sized cat actually fits in it.

Looking forward to: Never buying bras again! Haha! But seriously, I am looking forward to the moment when hubby and I actually agree on a baby name. It’s gotten a bit fraught between us recently on the baby name choice. There are two names that I am okay with, but I don’t even know which one I prefer or if either of those two feel right for the baby. You know, I had no problem naming my cats but a baby is waaaaaay harder! This is also because we have to choose a name that works in both of our mother tongue languages and that is highly restrictive. Ugh. We have loads of girl names which is of course completely useless to us right now.

Best moment of the week: The scan this week with the doctor was pretty cool. It’s lovely to see baby growing so beautifully in there, especially after all we have been through to get to this point. I continue to be ever-grateful for my healthy, growing baby.

Exercise: Almost every day I do some form of exercise for about an hour or so. I’ve only been to one yoga session this week due to the Easter holidays but I should be back on bendy form this week. I am pleased that I’ve been able to maintain a decent regular exercise routine, especially because I sit at a desk all day for work. It’s so important – pregnant or not – to get moving every day when you have such a sedentary job.

Here’s me taking a little pause in my walk after lunch today. Don’t worry though as I only lay on my back for about 60 seconds to take this photo.  The better photo would have been me trying to get up again afterwards!! Not pretty!

Bump update: Here is the lovely bump looking particularly bumpalicious this week! I have made some efforts to get two of the three kitties in the photos this week. I will try and get all three in a photo one day but it is very difficult!

Hello bump! 

Bump from a different angle with bonus cat.  He does not like being picked up so this was the best I could do under the challenging circumstances!

Unwelcome bump comments – help!

Now that I have a little baby bump showing some prominence I have been starting to feel really self conscious of my changing shape. I know I photograph my growing bump and post it here but this is kind of a safe space. Here I am relatively anonymous. Here there is a community of blog sisters who are overall understanding and kind. But in the real world people are not this way. 

Take today for example. I was in the small kitchen at work speaking to one colleague (older than me, mother of two tween boys) and all of a sudden she exclaimed “You really are pregnant!” when she caught a glimpse of my bump. Well yes, no shit luv! I’m nearly 21 weeks preggo so it is understandable that it is showing now!

I glossed over her loud comment and just said yes and continued the previous topic of conversation. Then in walked the other colleague who is pregnant and due 1 week after me. Her bump is substantially larger than mine and has been all along. We are roughly the same height but she has a different body shape – more wide in her hips. Anyway, we all carry differently regardless of hips or whatever. 

But then the pair of them started going on and on about bumps and wanting to see mine and wanting to compare them. I felt under attack and embarrassed and self conscious and like I’d prefer to run away.  So I more or less did that saying “No, no, no, no!” all the while blushing a lot. Then pregnant colleague started shouting (I was not in the kitchen anymore) about what my issue was as she is huge etc. You get the picture. The whole office must have heard it!

I am wearing a slightly fitted top today and now I swear I am never wearing it to work again!!  I think my work wardrobe will be tent based from now on!

Is it just me who feels so self conscious of my changing shape? I see so many mammas to be out there online in bikinis and crop tops and flesh-revealing outfits. Bravo to them but I don’t feel like that same level of body confidence in this new shape of mine. 

I wonder and hope if at some point along this journey I start to feel more confident. If anyone has any tips about how to overcome this I would be delighted to hear it.