Seven weeks – Just when you think it’s ok…

This post is a couple of days late as things have taken an unexpected turn recently. Up until Friday last week things were going well and we had a nice flow that made me generally think it was all going to be ok.

Then we visited our paediatrician and as she was doing her usual checks she asked me if baby N favours one side of his head for sleeping. To be honest I hadn’t noticed as usually I’m just so delighted he’s asleep!! The doctor had noticed that my baby has developed a flat head on one side of his skull, no doubt caused by favouring that side for sleeping.

The doctor has a way of making serious things not sound so bad and thus I didn’t think that much of if. She told me to call someone who is a specialist paediatric physiotherapist and sent me on my way.

I managed not to panic or do any Googling until Sunday, but when I did the freak out mode kicked in. Although flat head syndrome is fairly common, it can be bad for developmental health if not resolved. And it looks awful too.

On Monday we met with the baby physio who diagnosed torticollis, which is essentially a weak neck. This means that one side of baby N’s neck is stronger than the other, hence he holds his head a bit wonky and he prefers to sleep on one side of his head.

I was so upset by this diagnosis and felt once again like a total failure. It wasn’t until I did some further deep googling later that I realised in most cases torticollis is caused in the womb with baby lying in a funny position. I then went and scanned through all of my photos where it became clear that he’s been favouring one side since birth and I never noticed it. Although this makes no difference to the situation as it stands it made me feel less guilty as, up until then, I thought his problems were caused by me not holding him enough.

The physio lady seemed optimistic that with regular therapy and exercises at home that we should see a difference in a month’s time. She also instructed me to get a special pillow for him that helps to lesson the pressure of gravity on his skull.

I’m glad at least that we have caught it early and can do something. In very bad cases the babies need to wear a helmet 23 hours a day for two years. We desperately want to avoid that!!!

One of the instructions I have been given though is that the only time baby N should be lying down is when he is sleeping. At all other times he must be held or carried. This freaked me out so badly! It means no bouncer/relaxing chair (so no more Mamaroo), no leaving him to play on his activity mat and no letting him lie on the bed for a few minutes while I do my hair. I can put him in the baby carrier and wear him but he gets a bit unhappy in there after a while because it’s so hot.

And all of this for several MONTHS until his neck muscles strengthen. I’ve no idea how I will get anything done!

It is no exaggeration to say that the enormity of what I face hit me like a tonne of bricks and sent me spiralling back down the path of baby blues. The past two days I have cried and cried.

The baby – in my arms all day – must have picked up on my mood yesterday as he slept maybe a total of 1 hour during daylight hours. He was cranky most of the day which meant I couldn’t even sit down with him in my arms!! It was exhausting! He finally crashed out last night at 10.30pm by which time I was completely over motherhood and wondering if I could give him to another mother who would do a better job. If he’d been a puppy I would have taken him back.

Today I am better but I am so tired from it all. Anyway, here’s the weekly stats.

Age: 7 weeks + 2 days

Weight: He was 5kg last Friday which is average but he is now 59cm long which is in the 85th percentile. Tall boy!

Feeding: Still combination feeding but edging closer each day to exclusive formula feeding.

Sleeping routine: I still dream of a routine but we are trying to implement one so that he eventually catches on. On a good day I can have him in bed and asleep by 9pm with 2 feeds in the night after that. On a bad day he’s still awake at 11pm, I’ve not had dinner and we are all super-cranky.

Firsts: Baby N decided last Tuesday to give us his first brilliant smile and has been grinning ever since, especially at his daddy! It is so cute! I joked to my husband that it’s a miracle he learned how to smile as all I do is cry. He also had his first play date last Thursday with 15 week old twin girls. It was fun to hang out with another Mum and see what an awesome job she is going with twins. I remain utterly delighted that I only transferred one embryo as twins are a whole different level of hard!

Hair: The poor guy is still losing his hair and it looks a bit weird. I can see the new stuff growing through so hopefully soon we will get to see more of a head covering.

Eyes: Big and blue!

Mummy update: Operation MILF has started with a bit of a whimper due to the above issues, however I did go to my first yoga class in months today and it was great to feel semi-normal. I did fit into my old yoga pants so praise be to stretchy material!

I’ve been mentally so drained the past couple of days and even the basics are feeling like a struggle again. I keep repeating my mantra that “This is a phase and it will pass” but the reality is I’m not taking to motherhood naturally, I’m not enjoying it much and I miss my old life. I’m not sure if you’re meant to admit any of those things, especially with a much-longed for IVF baby but that’s the way I feel at the moment. I look forward to eating my words in the future!

Advertisements

Six weeks

Baby N today has hit the big 6 weeks milestone and I’m really starting to see his development come along. This has seemed like an important time benchmark to me, what with many things being allowed after 6 weeks postpartum.  Things like being able to drive a car after a c-section (not that I listened to that as I started driving 3 weeks after my c-section), starting exercise (yippeeee!) and getting back to sexy time (hahahahahahah, as if I will be giving up any sleeping opportunity for sex!).

I remember looking ahead to 6 weeks in the early days, convinced that Everything Would Be Better by 6 weeks.  And you know what, overall I think it is a bit better even though we are still a loooooong way off me having a proper night’s unbroken sleep (oh to dream).

In the traditional culture here they consider the first 40 days after giving birth a period is a time when the mother and baby don’t leave the house, but rather you and baby stay confined.  I’m not sure the logic behind this beyond recovery and bonding with your baby, but I always thought is was totally ridiculous.  Until I had a baby.  Now obviously I did not want to stay housebound for 40 days, but I can appreciate that for those 40 days I have been completely useless and going through a massive readjustment so being able to stay home a lot has been important to finding my way, so maybe the tradition is not so mad after all.

Also I believe that the religious side of this practice considers you still “dirty” during the 40 days due to the bleeding etc so also the mother is not allowed to go to church and I think you’re meant to take the baby for a blessing at the church before you take it anywhere else.  I think our first outing was to a coffee shop (no one tell the church!) so I guess that’s not what they had in mind.

Age: 6 weeks

Weight: I don’t know as his next weigh in is on Friday but I think he has grown a lot!  He is much longer now and definitely heavier.  I also think his head has gotten a lot bigger in the last couple of weeks, which I believe is a sign of mental development. According to the Wonder Weeks app (download it if you haven’t already) baby N is going through a big developmental leap this week and might be extra fussy for it.  This is both terrifying and exciting!

Feeding: Nothing much has changed on this front – we are continuing with the combined feeding and this seems to work very well for us.  There is still some boob in action but the flexibility of formula feeding. I am officially saying goodbye to my breast feeding guilt! This article about breastfeeding guilt was pretty handy too.  Have a read if you are in a similar position.

Sleeping routine: We are trying so hard to get into a sleeping routine and I think we are making some early progress, albeit he’s a baby and prone to doing whatever the hell he wants so who really knows! Baby N has started to get fussy in the evenings, and for a few days last week he decided to be a total nightmare to put down to sleep.  On Friday night he was impossible to console from the hours of 7.30pm through to midnight.  This coincided with my husband being out of town for his friend’s wedding so I had to go it alone.  I wouldn’t say I lost my mind, but it was close.  I tried everything.  I googled everything.  I took him for a drive in the car (success in so much that he slept while in the car, but woke up the second I walked in the door.  Eventually just before midnight he crashed out in the Mammaroo, by which time I was physically and emotionally spent.

When Saturday evening rolled around I got The Fear big time that he would do the same thing again.  He was pretty similar for about two hours but he did fall asleep faster.  Then last night he was faster again taking maybe an hour to fall asleep.  Last night was the first time I tried reading him a book – one of my all time favourites, My Cat Likes To Hide In Boxes, which I can recite to you from memory – and he seemed to enjoy it, staring at the pages and at me as I performed it. So we’ll try that again tonight and see how it goes.

Firsts: I think he smiled today, but it’s still a bit unclear.  He certainly looked like he was having a Super Amazing time on his playmat (I have this one), with his face lit up as he inspected all of the different toys and decorations.  He was kicking his legs and generally looking delighted on the mat for about an hour today.

I have definitely noticed he looks at things very intently now.  Yesterday I gave him a tour of our living room and all of the pictures and artwork.  There was one picture that he just stared and stared at.  He also gave our wedding photo a really hard look.  I told him that was when mummy was very skinny and didn’t have any baby fat.  He didn’t seem to care.

Yesterday hubby and I took the baby for a spin at our local park.  It’s finally gotten a tiny bit cooler (top temp each day 35 degrees, rather than 40 degrees) which meant that at about 7pm it wasn’t too horribly hot for him.  Unfortunately I think he was a bit too close to dinner/bath time and all of the trees and new sounds and smells were too much for him and he got super cranky. So I’ll try again another day when he’s feeling more calm.

Today was also the first day that I attempted to go do some food shopping with him alone.  I strapped him into my baby carrier so I would have free hands and away we went.  I went to a smallish store as my first attempt so it wasn’t very overwhelming.  Also, I found there were not many people about at 10.30am so it was pretty calm.

We are also signed up to a baby massage course that lasts for 4 weeks.  I’m very excited about this!

Hair: Oh he’s losing his hair on the top of his head so he looks like an old man!  It’s so unfortunate!  I’ve read online and confirmed with my paediatrician that this is normal and his hair will grow back, but he does look a bit weird.  Hurry up and grow back, hair!!

Eyes: His eyes are really huge!  Actually I think he has his daddy’s eyes, which is a great thing.  They’re still blue, but clearly will be brown soon.

 

Mummy update: Today I’m feeling okay and I think overall I’m doing much better than last week.  I don’t know what came over me last week but I had all of the feelings and most of them were not good.  I am trying so hard not to overthink things or look ahead too far, but rather just to face whatever needs my focus right now.  Arguably you could apply this to all aspects of life and it would probably make for better mental health.

I’ve had a real love-hate thing going on with my husband recently.  I’ve either found him to be selfish, insensitive and mean or incredibly generous, patient and kind.  I know that sounds weird, but it is the case that I have been loving and hating him almost in equal amounts. Of course men are not immune from all of the upheaval, but my feelings for him can swing quite fast from one direction to the next! Anyone who ever thinks having a baby will help their relationship is clearly naive and most likely their relationship is doomed!

Weight wise I lost about half a kilogram last week (about a pound) so that’s good.  I’ve been trying to watch what I’ve been eating a little bit but actually I need to start moving my butt to drop the last few kilograms.  I start back at yoga next week and generally will try and get more active in the next few days/weeks so as to try and kick-start my Operation MILF campaign.

Bye Clexane!

Finally, I am injection free!  Last night was the last time I had to inject myself with a Clexane blood-thinning injection which means that today will be the first day since 11 November 2016 that I do not have to jab myself! I am so excited about this as it feels like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders and it’s another step towards being “back to normal”.

That being said, I’m grateful to the Clexane as I don’t think I would have my baby otherwise.  I am convinced that the (higher than standard dose) of Clexane was the crucial difference between another missed miscarriage and a live baby. I even had my placenta analysed and the doctor confirmed that he could see I had issues with thrombosis and he expects that without Clexane I would have had another miscarriage.  While this has been my theory all along, it is so good to have vindication from a medical professional.

For those of you who are also trying for a baby via IVF and have stuck with my blog, I just want to remind you that my IVF doctor was NOT the one who tested me for my Antithrombin III deficiency (thrombosis problem).  I took myself to a haematologist for a bunch of expensive additional tests and this is how I found out about the issue with the thrombosis. It was also my haematologist who insisted on the higher dose of Clexane when my IVF doc (who is also my OBGYN) was doubtful about it. If there is one thing I have learned throughout the whole infertility/IVF journey is that you have to be your own advocate.  You have to do the extra research, ask the hard questions, push for additional tests if things don’t work out as they should.  I would not have a baby right now if I hadn’t done that for myself.

As for my previous post, thank you to those of you who reached out and offered comforting and helpful words.  I am feeling a bit better since I wrote that post, perhaps just getting it out on the blog was therapy in a way. I did speak to my paediatrician about how things are and we have agreed that for now we won’t take any further measures but if things get worse then I am to call her right away so that we can do so.  I’m happy with this as I know she is on the alert and will help me if I need help.

In the meantime, I am trying to get out of the house each day on little excursions to keep myself sane.  Sometimes this is to the Mall and other times it’s to a coffee shop. Sometimes it is to catch up with friends.  Next week I have set up a playdate with another new mum (who I met through this very blog!!) and I’m thinking to also pay a visit to my husband’s aunt who is very kind and will hold the baby for me.  Life is far from perfect, but I am hoping that these small attempts to get my shit together will eventually help me to find my new normal.  Until then, at least I don’t have to deal with Clexane jabs anymore!! 🙂

All of the crying

I don’t know what’s been going on with me the past couple of days but I have been crying so much. Everything is more or less fine; the baby is ok, nothing particular bad has happened, but I just feel so incredibly sad.

I feel sad that I’m not a good enough mother, that the baby can sense my uselessness, that he’s bored (I’m bored so this may be projecting), that I don’t cuddle him enough… the list goes on. My husband tells me constantly that I’m a good mum and that the baby likes me (he generally stops crying when I hold him) but I feel inadequate. I don’t even know what you do with him to keep him stimulated particularly when he’s awake. He’s not very interested in any toys yet but I guess that will come in time. Any tips?

I don’t wish the baby away but I really do miss my old life where I had a job that I was really good at and valued for, where I actually looked pretty and had a nice figure (no Mum-tum back then), and I could do whatever and whenever I wanted. Now it takes me hours to get ready just to go to the shops and even then I look a bit crap. Everyone keeps telling me how tired I look (someone told me yesterday that they could sense my dehydration which was an odd thing to say) and I completely agree but it’s not helpful to be told you look shit when you already feel shit.

Then there are the evenings. The baby is restless in the evenings despite my efforts otherwise. Almost every night he gets fussy just as dinner time approaches. I get stressed as hubby tends to make the dinner these days and yet we never eat the food hot as the baby disrupts it. Perhaps I need to start the bath and bedtime routine earlier.

I also have a really tough time of sleeping as I wake many times even without the baby crying out. I have a daily dream/nightmare where I wake up confused and thinking I’ve not fed the cats of the baby, and confusing how many of each we have. It sounds minor but it’s the feeling of confusion which is upsetting. I think my mind just cannot rest so it means I don’t sleep well.

My husband has been good at mentally propping me up but doesn’t have the answers either. I don’t think anyone does. Of course I’m tired because that’s normal with new babies but I think I’m mentally exhausting myself with all of this but don’t know how to cut a break. It’s still so hot here I can’t get out in nature during the day with him. I hope it cools down soon so I can at least enjoy some walks in the park to clear my head.

I’ve messaged my paediatrician today and kind of indicated I am struggling.  She is going to call me in the morning to “discuss options” which sounds kind of terrifying.  I hope she doesn’t suggest going for counselling or something like that because I hate counselling, but also what do I do with the baby if I have to go see a counsellor. The circle continues.

Five weeks – no longer a newborn!

Last Thursday our small guy celebrated his one month birthday!  I look back at photos of him from the first couple of days of his life and he has actually changed quite a lot in this short time.  I guess all fresh newborns look a bit funny and it’s not until they start to put on some weight and become less fragile that their features take shape.

Today he is five weeks old and I am starting to see some progress in terms of his development and also the transition into our new family life. The small guy is now intently looking at us whenever he is awake and his eyes follow the squeaky toys when he is feeling particularly alert.  The baby room is decorated with a whale theme and so my mum sent a really cute, handmade mobile with blue whales that I’ve put above the change table.  So when we are changing dirty nappies he has something nice to look at.  The first time he saw them was really funny as his eyes could not have been wider.  Even now, when he catches sight of them he stares in wonderment.  Also, good to know he is not blind!

The past week has been overall a good one.  We have mainly got the poop situation under control which means everyone is happier.  I’ve also been making special efforts to get out of the house every day, even if only for an hour or so.  For me this is critical to my sanity! I have been struggling a bit with my husband.  He is overall very kind and supportive, but sometimes I think he just switches off and decides he’s too tired to parent or something.  So this leaves me – at times – parenting solo and not only is it exhausting, but it’s emotionally draining.  I’m not really sure what to do about this as if I bring it up it will only end in some kind of argument.

However, we did get away last week for a few days to the beach.  We took our guy around all sorts of places – the mall, shops, cafes, restaurants – and he was overall very good.  He is more fussy in the evening than during the day so it can be tough to have a nice dinner together, but we usually do well at lunch.

Age: 5 weeks

Weight: As of last Thursday, he weighed in at 4.4kg.  I think the paediatrician was subtly suggesting we are over-feeding him, but he is a tall baby (57cm as of last Thursday) and not looking chubby or anything so I don’t care. Also, how do you say no to a hungry baby, FFS?!!

Feeding: On average, he feeds about every three hours these days.  On fussy days he might feed a little more regularly and at night we can sometimes get him to sleep for around four hours.  The usual routine is that I give him about 15 minutes of boob time, and then we top him up with around 90ml of formula. For the late night feed (around 11pm – midnight) we give him 120ml formula to try and secure some more sleep time for me. Sometimes he doesn’t have any boob first – such as if we are in a very public place or if I’m asleep and hubby is doing the feeding – but we try and give him some boob both to keep the supply going and also because he finds it comforting.

 

Sleeping routine: I’m starting to try to make an actual routine these days but it’s a bit hit and miss.  In general I try and bathe him at around 7pm-8pm and he sometimes sleeps for a couple of hours after that.  Then he will have a feed around 11pm.  On a good night he will go for 4 hours on the first night sleep, but then on others he’s been on 1.5 hour cycles.  After the 11pm feed, I usually have two wake-ups during the night.  After about 8am I just get up and start the day, unless it’s been a particularly bad night and I cannot yet face the day! He does sleep a bit during the day but I am trying to take him out as much as possible during the day so that he does his good sleeping at night.

A friend of ours had a baby 10 days after us and our husbands caught up on the weekend at a party with the other husband apparently “going on for half an hour” about how their baby sleeps for 5-7 hours at a time.  I think this is the first time my husband has been exposed to competitive parenting and he might have wanted to slap the other guy.  I had to reassure him that our baby sleeps in regular amounts for his age so not to worry but I think he was a bit envious we don’t have a baby that sleeps for 8 hours at a time!

Firsts: We had many firsts this week…

  • First trip to the beach (he slept through it mainly)
  • First long walk out by the sea (he screamed through this a fair bit)
  • First trip away from home for three nights (mainly successful, but OMG so much stuff to pack to leave the house)
  • Mamma had her first alcoholic drink and it was AMAZING!  I gave up alcohol during the IVF process so for me it has been a VERY LONG time waiting for this moment.  I am soon going to be one of those slummy mummies that cracks open the wine at 3pm, I’m sure of it.  Hahahahaha!

Hair: I think he is starting to lose some of his newborn hair which is a concern as that will make him bald!  I was practically bald for the first year or so of my life so I guess this shouldn’t be a big surprise, but the local kids always have thick, dark mediterranean hair so I think everyone looks at our kid and is worried when they see he has almost none.

Eyes: Very big and round and blue.

Things we have learned: 

Getting out and about during the day makes for better evening snoozies.

Coming home too late can make baby overstimulated which is NOT good for evening snoozies!

We are now familiar with practically all air-conditioned cafes and restaurants in a 10km radius of our house.  We visit a different one almost every day now.

Wine is good… oh whoops, we already knew that!

Mummy update: I’ve not seen any weight loss this week but I think that’s because I’ve reached a plateau that requires dieting and exercise to drop some weight. I did get into the one piece swimsuit last week and I didn’t look that bad considering.  I wasn’t embarrassed to be in a swimsuit, albeit I am quite far off how I want to look.

I headed back to my acupuncture guy this week and he laughed at how bad my chi was (I think the phrase was that it was practically dead).  After 22 needles – yes TWENTY TWO – I did feel better, I had less anxiety and I slept better that night.  I think I need to go again as I have a cracking headache which has stayed with me for two days now.

Mentally I have been overall better, but I have days and moments where it all unravels again.  I am starting to feel more of a connection to the baby and have stopped saying 23 times a day that maybe someone else should take him as they’ll do a better job of parenting.  I can look back at the first few weeks of his life and now recognise that I was on my way to PND.  I think the change to our feeding regime has helped to reduce this risk, although I still find myself very vulnerable to feeling the blues.  This is not unique to  having a baby – I’ve had such sensitivities for a long time – but sleep deprivation and not eating properly are huge triggers.  If I can get a little sleep and see some of the outdoors during the day I find I am mentally better equipped. And you know, sometimes the baby even sleeps for long enough that I can watch a bit of my favourite TV programs which seems entirely decadent.

I’ve also noticed while out and about that the baby is a real attraction.  I’ve found myself connecting with people on a new level before. I’ve previously been kind of ignored (I’m a foreigner here after all) and now I find that strangers talk to me all the time and coo at him when they seem him, so that’s nice.  Also, we have some friends who I have found myself having a more deep relationship with, which has been unexpected and wonderful.  So the small guy is not so bad after all.

Here we are out and about a few days ago.  My husband chose the baby’s outfit. 🙂

IMG_7618

Four weeks – all we need is a good poo

Never has the need for a good poo become more of a priority than in the last week. Don’t worry everyone as I am entirely regular in the colon department, but poor baby N has been terribly constipated and this is a Very Bad Thing in babyland. 

A constipated baby suffers a lot. It’s clearly painful with lots of straining and red faces. And non-stop crying. OMG!! I nearly went INSANE!! There was at least one 24 hour period last week where I wanted out of parenthood whatever that took. I sent a few messages to hubby while he was at work saying I wanted to jump off a bridge (there are no bridges near us). 

Long story short, we ended up changing baby formula to one specialised for constipation and that seems to have somewhat got things moving. You’ve no idea how happy I was to be deep in stinky poo!! Happy baby = happy parents. I’m a bit worried that there’s been no poo today so far, so everyone think positive poo thoughts for us all here. 

This past week has been a rollercoaster of highs and lows. I’ve had a couple of days where I’ve thought I was actually getting the hang of all this and then they’ve been followed up with some absolutely hell days where I have just cried non-stop and fantasised about running away. I’ve also told my husband that if he leaves me (for another woman or otherwise) that he is keeping the baby. Haha!

The key to maintaining some degree of sanity has been about getting out of the house. Although sometimes the planning that goes into leaving the house is enough to send me into meltdown. I think things will be better once the weather cools down as currently I can’t take him out between about 8am-8pm as it’s way too hot. 

Anyway, our first big trip was to our local mall a couple of days ago and I loved it so much. The baby slept in his stroller so we could have lunch and wander the shops and then have a coffee. This sounds like nothing but it was HUGE!!

Right now we are at a beach town about an hour from home and we will stay here a couple of days. The difference in changing locations is very big. Apart from some drama in packing, now that I’m out and looking at different things other than the four walls at home I feel more like myself. 

The baby is a champion sleeper too. He snoozes in his stroller while we have lunch at loud restaurants (we now venture to the family friendly ones which don’t balk when you turn up with a massive stroller). Long may he continue to be the sweet boy that he is now. 

Later this evening we plan to venture to the beach and maybe even take my first post-baby swim (in a one piece swimsuit – no one needs to see my belly yet). All of this is subject to the small dude remaining happy and calm but so far so good. 

Age: 4 weeks old. Where did time go?!!

Weight: Last Wednesday at his weigh in he was 3.9kg. I think he’s heavier than that now as my arm aches carrying him. I have a baby carrier arriving soon thankfully!

Feeding: I’ve mentally checked out of breast feeding but I’m still giving him some boob before formula. Sometimes I have lots of milk so I give him a long boob session, usually in the morning, and other times it’s 5 mins on each boob. Nipple police can do one as I have enough guilt already. 

The baby formula is the most likely culprit of his constipation. We were using Nactalia (French brand) but then briefly changed to Holle (organic Swiss brand). Due to the poo issues we are now on Novalac IT which seems to be ok, albeit I’m still waiting for today’s poo to arrive. 

Interesting fact for US readers is thr European formula brands have to conform to higher standards than US companies. While I believe some European brands are not FDA approved, you can get the likes of Holle at some online health food retailers in case you’re interested, but I think they are more expensive. 

Sleeping routine: There is still no actual routine but we are trying so hard to only have two wake-ups between 12 midnight and 7am. Last night we had one feed at 11.30pm, another at 4.30am and the next at 8.00am. It was great. The night before it was 12.30, 2.00am, 4.00am, 7.30am so you never know what you’re going to get! I’m hoping that taking him out during the day makes him sleep more at night but this may be just my optimism!

Firsts: This week we had our first visit to the Mall, our first meals at restaurants, mummy’s first alcoholic drinks in like 11 months (YESSSSSSSSSS!!!), and mummy finally got to drive her new car which arrived a few days after the baby, even though she’s not meant to be driving until 6 weeks after the c-section (not at all sorry to break this rule as driving = FREEDOM). 

Achievements: Baby N is getting s stronger neck each day. I see him lifting it up briefly when he’s lying in my shoulder. He also looks at our faces more intently and seems to get comfort from our cuddles which is nice. I have a few toys for him and he turns his head to follow the sound now. Cute!

He’s also getting so long that he’s on the verge of no longer fitting in newborn clothes. My small dude is not so small anymore!

As for me, leaving the house has been a big achievement!!! But you know some (bad) days just getting out of my pjs has been worthy of recognition. I also did a DIY pedicure which made me feel nice. Today we bought some new clothes for me as I’ve felt like I had nothing to wear. I’m a size up from pre-baby currently but I am at peace with that for now which is also an achievement in itself. Hubby is on holiday for 2 weeks now and having him around makes me feel able to tackle new challenges. 

Hair: It’s growing!! His hair is very fine and sparse (not at all Mediterranean like his daddy) but definitely darker than mine was as a baby. 

Eyes: Still big and blue. 

Things we have learned: Constipation is a real struggle!! Also, I’ve been opening up to many of my mum friends about my struggles and you know they all had stories to tell me which made me feel better. Sharing your issues makes you realise that you’re not alone. This has been a revelation to me. 

Mummy update: Mummy has been all over the place mentally. I get so much anxiety at times that I almost can’t breathe. The things that help this are getting out of the house and not overthinking. Neither of these things are as simple as they seem. Also, I’ve been driving myself insane with Dr Google this week. In some ways I wonder what we did before Google but in others I think we would be mentally better off without it. 

I have lost another kilogram of weight this past week so now I’m about 5.5kg off my pre-baby weight. My body shape is very much not something I recognise as myself but I’m positive I can improve it once Operation MILF starts in September. Hubby is very supportive of O-MILF which is good as he needs to watch baby while I do my thing. 

And to sign off, here are some kangaroo footsies to cheer you up!

Three weeks – let the games begin

Today is baby N’s 3 week birthday.  In some ways the past three weeks have seemed to flash by but in other ways it has been the longest three weeks of my entire life. All of the stress and anxiety about the feeding has absolutely dogged these newborn days. The more people I speak to about this period, the more people tell me that it is a super-hard phase and everyone struggles so I am starting to feel a tiny bit better about how hard I have found it.

Chatting to my mum I also realised I have had absolutely no exposure to newborns before, beyond a 5 minute cuddle here and there.  So basically I have walked blindly into this massive life change without having half a clue of what it actually will mean to me.  I guess this happens to everyone to a certain extent, but I have really, really struggled.

I don’t know why I’m finding it so hard, but I think I have a decent case of the baby blues, if not something more.  I have found on several occasions that when I had the chance to nap or sleep that I couldn’t because of general anxiety.  This also manifests itself in lack of appetite which negatively impacts my milk supply, which makes me anxious and generates feelings of failure, and the cycle continues.

Some days I am better than others – like today – and I feel like I can almost face the day.  My milk supply seems ok today with less formula top-ups required.  However, yesterday I spent the entire day sobbing and had feelings of despair and had practically no milk supply.  I have also had a few episodes of sleep walking which I have not done since I was a teen so I think my head is in a funny place.

Despite all of this baby N seems perfectly fine.  He looks a bit more chubby than he was a few days ago.  He makes plenty of dirty and wet nappies and has a healthy appetite.  From what little I know this seems to mean he’s okay. Sometimes I think he might even like me.

Age:  3 weeks

Weight: No update on this since last week but I think he’s gained as his cheeks are a big more chubby.

Feeding: We are now doing a combination of breast feeding and formula feeding.  Today I even quit the pumping because ENOUGH.  I do have some breast milk which he can take and anything he doesn’t get from that he can be topped up with formula.  I’m seeing the paediatrician on Wednesday and maybe she’ll have something to say about our feeding regime.

The past couple of days has also seen a bit of reflux which is a pain.  This is pretty common in babies and is usually because of their under-developed digestive system. I have been trying to feed him less but more often (which is wonderful as you can imagine) in order to make sure it stays in.  There have been lots of outfit changes in the meantime.

Sleeping routine: Sleep has gone a bit whack the past few days.  So it turns out of the first couple of weeks that newborns are just really tired and sleep a lot without any real challenges.  And then they start getting fussy which is where we are at now.  He takes many naps during the day – maybe around 4 naps of 1-2 hours duration – and then I bathe him at around 7pm and put him down around 8pm of the evening.  Then there will be a feed at around 11pm and another about 1am-2am.  Then sometimes he goes through to about 4am or 5am. But the past few days he has not been settling at all well after his 1am/2am feed.  Which basically means that one or both of us is awake from then until when he crashes out at maybe 6am or 7am.  It is painful.  Last night at about 5am I had no idea what he wanted so I just held him and he liked that.  I was desperate for some sleep so I took him back to our bed and he slept in a cuddle with me until 8am.  Unfortunately my husband had vacated the bedroom long before that and slept on the floor of his study so it was overall not a good night!

Firsts: I took baby N to the pet shop and the pharmacy today – both of which are a 5 minute walk from our place.  I feel like I should get a trophy for my efforts in independently leaving the house!!

Achievements: Baby N’s belly button stump finally fell off on Saturday – yay!  It’s so much nicer not to have that hanging around anymore. Also, we took him to the supermarket on Saturday which was a huge deal for us.  We put him in a special shopping basket that has a baby seat and even in that he was tiny.  He slept through the whole experience and the second we walked in the front door he started screaming, which is probably the best result we could have hoped for.

Hair: He still has light-medium brown hair, with some tinges of auburn in there.  I can see his hair getting longer even.

Eye colour: Yep, dark blue still, but going to be brown.

Things to do: Hubby did register his birth FINALLY and had to pay a penalty because he was over the 15 days since the birth.  Ooops!  He brought the birth certificate home and I realised my first name was incorrectly spelt in the certificate so he had to go back and get it changed.  My first name is not remotely unusual or hard to spell so this was quite an acheivement. Nothing is simple around here. Otherwise, I think we have all of the new baby admin under control.  That is until we want to try and get a passport or ID for the little guy.  Ugh.

Things we have learned:

  • We need help.  I have now got someone coming to help out with housework at home a couple of times a week because I cannot handle a new baby, 3 cats and all of the associated housework on 2 hours sleep a night.
  • Sleep = better milk supply.  Sounds easier than it is, but interesting nonetheless.
  • So many people have also struggled during this phase.  Much like when I started discussing my miscarriages more openly, I have found over the past few days that if you ask people for advice or their experience they open up and it turns out everyone has really struggled at some point of parenthood.
  • This has also led to me having THE FEAR of baby N getting colic.  This sounds like a special kind of hell so can everyone please pray to whatever god you believe in (or don’t believe in) that he doesn’t get colic.  I will lose my mind if this happens.

Mummy update: I seem to have lost another kilogram in all of the stress of the past week.  I mean this is great, but not at the expense of my milk supply.  I am now 6kg off my pre-pregnancy weight which is nice.  My belly is still soft but now I pretty much just look a little overweight. I don’t think I could be secretly mistaken for being pregnant anymore and that’s 3 weeks after a c-section and I’m 38.  Imagine if I was 25 and had a natural birth.

My c-section scar is no longer as tender as it was and getting up from a seated position and from bed is a whole lot easier these days.  I still do have a slightly modified way of getting up but it looks awkward rather than anything more now. The actual incision line is still tender to touch but it’s not much of a big deal these days.  I think my surgeon did  a pretty awesome job all round.

Mentally I have been absolutely awful again this week.  I mean some days have been ok like Saturday and today, but others I have been rock bottom and thinking bad things.  Hubby has been incredible and so, so supportive.  My mum and sister have been checking in on me (from Australia) daily so I think I will get there.  I used to run marathons (although that seems like a different lifetime ago now) and I remember at some point during a marathon every part of your body aches to give up, but something in your mind keeps you moving forward. I have had to dig deep inside to get this part of me activated recently too.  I am literally taking each day as it comes.

And here you go for some three week old fingers.

IMG_7505