This is The Week

As the title says, this is the week for us where it all happens.  This is the week where we have previously encountered some problems and so it’s fair to say that it feels like life is on hold until we get past this period.  Even planning Christmas and New Year is next to impossible because I need to know whether I’m going to be pregnant still in order to know if I need to somehow come up with a way to disguise my lack of booze consumption.  I know that sounds a bit grim, but I’ve got history so I feel like I need to be ready for every eventuality, even the not good one.  Monday is my scan so I am crossing everything that is crossable that our little embryo is growing nicely in there.  Please, please be growing!

After my mini-meltdown earlier this week I have realised what caused my symptoms to mellow and it most likely had nothing to do with the embryo’s success or failure but rather that I’d told my acupuncture guy about the heartburn and so on Tuesday night he had given me a needle to ease it.  Turns out it works and I just forgot he’d done that!  So stupid of me!

So I am now officially 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant (unless told otherwise, I am forcing myself to refer to myself as pregnant even though I am still in denial) and I’m now feeling a bit more tired. I had a big day out yesterday with a client that involved me driving for about 3 hours behind the wheel, not to mention all of the “performing” that is required when you are client facing.  When I got home at 7pm I was way more tired than you would expect of the kind of day I had had.  Even today I’m still feeling a bit rundown so it’s been a very quiet one for me.

I’ve also got a bonus thing going on in the periphery of my life right now.  Someone close to me who has been trying for a baby for some time , including a round of IVF, has told me she just found out she’s pregnant naturally (she’s literally just passed 4 weeks). She disclosed the information to me because she knows my situation and she thought I would understand her fears and what she’s going through.  So it’s a massive compliment that she would share something so deeply personal and private with me.  At the same time it’s a lot for me to take on board as it means that – all going to plan for both of us – we will be due just a few weeks apart. Or worse… if one of ours doesn’t work out then one of us will be all in the other’s face.

I know this is going to sound weird, but I would have liked her good news to be a bit spaced out from mine. This person is already a mother to kids who are tweens so in many ways it would be good to have a buddy going through the same stuff who has some idea of what to do.  At the same time, I’m the kind of person who likes a bit of space to find my own way and I can’t help but feel a bit sad about this whole possibility of either sharing my pregnancy with her or having to watch hers grow and blossom if mine fails. Full disclosure: the latter is what is freaking me out the most.

I might change my tune later on, but it’s a bit like when you tell someone something great and they just turn around and tell you something even greater.  It makes you feel a bit miffed that your fabulous news didn’t get the reception it was due.

 

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Losing my mind

Everyone bangs on about the two week wait, but I have to say that was a piece of cake compared with the past few days of wondering if my little one is going to make it this time. I pride myself on being the kind of person that can handle stuff really well.  I’m successful at work, manage multiple projects and deadlines more or less seamlessly, but this waiting game is BRUTAL!

I know pregnancy hormones are meant to bring out the see-saw hormones anyway, but I don’t even know if I can fully blame them for my current mental state of affairs.  I am just so scared.  So scared of having to go through the same loss/grief process as before and on exactly the same timeframe as last year.  If I wasn’t going through IVF again at this period in time I would still be thinking of everything that’s happened (and not happened) in the past 12 months, but now I am doing that and wondering if it’s going to happen again. It’s like the most messed up deja vu situation possible.

For the past 24 hours I have been full-scale panicking that I’m losing all of my pregnancy symptoms. This is mainly based on having lost my heartburn.  Who would thought anyone would actually be excited to have heartburn?!  I then decided my boobs were smaller than the day before and less sore, but I might have imagined that because they’re still feeling pretty darned sore today!  Tonight I started to wonder if I was imagining feeling nauseous but then I got that weird thing in my mouth where the saliva started overproducing so maybe it was for real. I found me a breadstick and felt much better! 🙂

On the medical front, I had my thyroid tested yesterday and it’s still too high, dammit! It came in at 3.9 and it’s meant to be under 2 during pregnancy.  Ugh. I think this was the trigger for my latest panic as underachieve thyroid is a contributing factor to miscarriage.  I don’t need any help in the miscarriage department so my mind started leaping wildly to conclusions, my heart racing and my fingers typing into Google faster than you thought was humanly possible.

Both my super-awesome haematologist and endocrinologist (both women) are really supportive and have told me it’s a little too high a score than we would like at this time, but it is not really bad either so I am feeling a bit better.  Both of them were all very much of the opinion that staying positive is Very Important, so I am doing my best to listen to the advice.

Hubby has also been reassuring saying I am pregnant until someone tells him otherwise (that someone is not me it seems).  I am almost in total denial that I am pregnant and he asked me how far pregnant I have to get before I’ll acknowledge it.  I suggested maybe when I’m in the delivery suite!  Haha!

So now I have to hang on / endure the days between now and Monday.  And stay positive.

Must.

Stay.

Positive!

Oooh this is fun!

Hello my new friend, heartburn!  From all reports heartburn is a very common pregnancy symptom but it is a new one for me and I am a little excited about it.  What a weird thing to be excited about, you might think, but given the previous failed pregnancies had very little normal symptoms I like to think that this is a good sign that things are progressing well.

I think I am feeling a bit nauseous too, but definitely not even close to puking. The way I feel a bit like I’ve been a passenger in a car on a winding road with a very bad driver.  Except I’ve not been near a car or a winding road and a dry Italian breadstick makes it pass pretty quickly. However, feeling sick is a good sign for me as I associate it with a healthy pregnancy (weird, I know).

Even though I was really pleased about my scan last Friday, such is the way the mind works, by Saturday I was already in a full spin about all of the things that could go wrong. Saturday night I practically didn’t sleep as I was up all night going through all the different horror of horrors that could befall us.  Great.

Since then both hubby and a good friend have given me a bit of a talking to about how everything is as good as it can be at this stage and just because bad things happened previously doesn’t mean they will again.  Reasons to be positive:

  • This is a new embryo from a fresh, potentially stronger batch
  • I am better prepared physically and mentally this time than the previous two times
  • I am taking all the necessary medical precautions as follows reproductive immunology, which I wasn’t the previous two times
  • The embaby measured normal as of Friday (and much better at the same stage than pregnancy 2, pregnancy 1 I wasn’t informed of such data and didn’t know to ask for it)
  • The embaby has a heartbeat which is very positive
  • Third time lucky

Already I am desperate for next Monday to come around so we can do the next scan.  Next week is the mega-danger period for us as this has been the period of previous pregnancies when things have been shown to take a turn for the worst and it is a huge marker in the sand for us.  I really do feel like I am treading water at the moment until I can get through this stage.  Until then, pass me a breadstick please!

Hello embaby!

Today is a good day! Off to the doctor today at 6 weeks exactly for my first scan and everything is on track and as it should be at this point. Phew!

Our little embaby is 4mm in size (bang on average) and it even had a heartbeat today! We were not sure if we would be able to detect a heartbeat as it’s a bit early but there it was loud and clear! 

Th doctor said the egg sack looks good – not too big which can be a sign of abnormality. So I am happy!! I am determined to celebrate all small successes even though I know we will be in the danger zone for a while later. 

So the meds continue (yay Clexane injections) and I’ll go for my third round of intralipids on the weekend. 

So far so good…

Next scan on Monday 12 December. One day before my birthday. 

🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀

Grow baby, grow!

Sometimes it feels like time just stands still. Much like Christmas Eve as a child which seems to go on FOREVER, this week has dragged on by. Of course this is because I have my first scan for my embaby tomorrow and I’m pretty nervous about it. 

I’m really hopeful this one is a happy embaby that’s growing and enjoying my cosy, lovely uterus. I have absolutely no reason to believe tomorrow will be anything but positive – except for the two previous experiences of course!

But this time MUST BE DIFFERENT I keep telling myself!! The steroids, the intralipids, the higher doses of blood thinners (Clexane), aspirin, and so much Estradial that my lining must be half a mile thick by now! And also because third time lucky, right?! Right. 

Symptoms wise I wasn’t so hungry the past couple of days but then the hunger came back big time today. I think I might be nauseous in the mornings as I’ve felt odd but the steroids are probably masking that. And peeing in the middle of the night is now A Thing. 

I’m not super tired but I look like crap kind of full time now. Thank goodness for make up!! Also I’m getting some spots on my hairline that are persistently staying put and I’m getting bloated. Interesting. 

But back to tomorrow. I’m going to be hoping for a happy embaby that is ideally about 4mm CRL (crown-rump length). I’ll be considered 6 weeks 0 days tomorrow so there is a chance of a heartbeat but no guarantees. If there is one, I’m going to be nervous unless it’s around 90-110 BPM. 

We all know how the last two scans at this stage went. Oh the nerves…

Just keep swimming…

As far as I my boobs know, I am still pregnant.  This is what I keep telling myself when I wake up each morning and realise my girls are feeling more sore than they did the day before.  This is a good sign.

Anyone who has been following me for some time knows that the next few weeks are critical for me.  Sure, they’re critical in any pregnancy but with my history  of reoccurring missed miscarriages (i.e. viable embryo with heartbeat suddenly losing its heartbeat) to say I am on tenterhooks is putting it mildly.

As of today I am 5w2d pregnant, which is barely pregnant. My symptoms thus far have been mild to non-existent: a bit tired, but not as much as I was with pregnancy number 1 (although I am taking steroids which could be giving me some bonus energy), increasingly sore boobs which are also getting marginally larger progressively, hungry practically constantly (potatoes remain the favourite food – this also happened with pregnancy number 1), bloated, and cranky (according to hubby, I deny all charges).

As with all previous pregnancies, I have no nausea or vomiting, but maybe it’s too early. I must be the only person on the planet who actively wants morning sickness because it’s considered a sign of a healthy pregnancy, #weirdo!

I will confess to being a tiny bit more optimistic for this pregnancy than the last. What with all the medications – steroids, aspirin, intralipids and high doses of blood thinners, SOMETHING HAS TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE, RIGHT?!

So the next step for me is to have a scan later this week. It might be too early to see a heartbeat but I remain optimistic.  Hopefully this one will be growing at a regular rate AND have a strong little ticker.  Keeping fingers, toes and legs crossed!!

 

Third time lucky?

I actually got really nervous today about my third hCG test and not just because they’re running out of places in my arms to take blood from. Lurking in my not so deep conscious is the never ending fear of this all going bad again. Even though my first two hCG tests have been more than ok, I just can’t let myself think it’s all ok. 

Well all the worry was for nothing. Today’s test result came in at 1305. So I’ve gone from 176 on Friday (14DPO) to 500 on Monday (17DPO) to 1305 today (19DPO). If this was someone else’s blog I would be telling them to chill out because everything is good. 

So yeah, note to self EVERYTHING IS OK!! 

In case anyone is interested, I knew something was happening on the hormone front because even with steroids keeping me perky I’ve been so bloody tired the past two days. And my boobs are getting increasingly sore – and a little bigger (hubby is delighted). Also my skin is kind of washed out like I’m hungover so don’t know where all this “pregnancy glow” BS originates because I don’t see any glowing yet (although clear skin so yay!). 

Good news today. Please keep growing little embryo!!!