Symptoms or imagination?

I have officially reached the stage where I am trying to self-diagnose every single ache, pain and twinge in my body and attribute it to a sign that this transfer has worked. Ugh.

I am without any doubt bloated, but that is almost certainly due to the evil progesterone pessaries (which also generate wind; IVF is so sexy!). Regardless, it’s never fun to have a sticky-out belly without being sure there is a baby inside.

I really hope there is a baby inside.

For most of yesterday afternoon and evening I had quite substantial backache and this has started to excite me – the only time that backache can be considered legitimately exciting. During my last FET (which was successful until miscarriage at 9 weeks) I also had quite strong backache but I think it was on day 5, not day 3 as it was yesterday.

 

I have read, during my excessive online searches, that if implantation is successful the embryo starts burrowing into the lining on day 3 which could – technically – cause backache.  But also I’ve not been moving about very much these past few days and maybe I just have backache in general. So I am no closer to understanding if backache is good, bad or means nothing. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I have been off work since Tuesday and I return on Monday, which will hopefully give the little embryo some chill time to make it’s way into my lining and set up home. I’ve got to say that this time off work has felt ultra-indulgent (not in a good way) and also I’ve been quite bored. Even though there are things I could do to pass the time, I have felt a bit listless and had difficulty concentrating.  All I can think is has this worked??!!!! 

Apart from my boss at work and hubby, there is no one else who knows we have made this transfer which has made my restlessness even harder. People are asking why I’m not at the gym, why I’m not participating in the annual local running festival this weekend, and why we haven’t booked a summer holiday. They must think I’m a really boring person because my standard response is I can’t be bothered when that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Please let this one work.

 

 

Daring to dream

It’s almost been a full 48 hours since my embryo transfer so I’m now officially allowed out of the house. I started to get a kind of cabin fever yesterday – hubby and I have taken the decision that for two days I would stay at home and take it easy, including no work.  I’ve not even looked at my work emails, which is unheard of for me. It’s all these small things we are doing that don’t seem like much but will hopefully add up to a bubba.

I went into this transfer a lot less optimistic than previous attempts, but now I am allowing myself the chance to wonder what if it has worked?!  And how amazing would that be! I’ve been having some low level cramps the past couple of days, does this mean implantation?

After my miscarriage at Christmas I have not even allowed myself the opportunity to entertain the thought of having a baby. I even started to talk about how our life may be if we don’t have any children – suggestions so far include moving to another country (my husband and I are different nationalities and we live in his country now), but I suspect the real danger is I might instead create a zoo at home as I love animals! But now… maybe… just maybe there is a baby on the horizon for us.

I’ve only been on here for a short while, but I’ve already been gaining strength from the other brave and persistent wannabe mammas on here. One of the biggest challenges for me during all of this IVF stuff is that I have had very little support outside of my husband. But here there are a whole host of women who seem to be going through similar things and reacting the same way (I’ve decided this means I’m not crazy). Whereas most of the time in the “real world” I feel very alone and somewhat of a failure, here in IVF-blog-land,  I feel a real kinship among ladies.

I’ve commented on a few bloggers posts in the past few days where they have spoken about people being close to them being very insensitive. I can certainly relate to that. Just two days after the doctor scraped out of me what remained of my non-viable baby I had to endure a full-scale Mediterranean family Christmas and pretend like nothing had happened and that I was super-happy. And just for an extra sting in the tail, my hubby’s brother and girlfriend had given birth to a baby boy (accidental conception) just 3 weeks previously so everyone was naturally cooing all over the baby.  I have never wanted the world to swallow me up more.

While there were few people at that Christmas gathering that knew what was really going on with us, those that did never said anything.  Never asked me if I was okay. Never even asked if maybe I would like to skip the party or leave early. They just ignored the whole thing while swept up in the euphoria of a new baby in the family. And they have never said anything to me since either.  So in the almost-four-months since we lost our baby, they have not even acknowledged our loss.  This blows my mind and stabs me right through the heart.

Since then, for reasons too boring to write here, my husband has built a lot of the baby equipment/furniture for this couple and it breaks a little part of me every time to see him putting together stuff for someone else’s baby. Just Monday night (day before our transfer) hubby was asked to put together their new pushchair.  Hubby is excellent at this (bodes well) but I just want him to be building stuff for our baby.

Is that too much to ask for?