All of the crying

I don’t know what’s been going on with me the past couple of days but I have been crying so much. Everything is more or less fine; the baby is ok, nothing particular bad has happened, but I just feel so incredibly sad.

I feel sad that I’m not a good enough mother, that the baby can sense my uselessness, that he’s bored (I’m bored so this may be projecting), that I don’t cuddle him enough… the list goes on. My husband tells me constantly that I’m a good mum and that the baby likes me (he generally stops crying when I hold him) but I feel inadequate. I don’t even know what you do with him to keep him stimulated particularly when he’s awake. He’s not very interested in any toys yet but I guess that will come in time. Any tips?

I don’t wish the baby away but I really do miss my old life where I had a job that I was really good at and valued for, where I actually looked pretty and had a nice figure (no Mum-tum back then), and I could do whatever and whenever I wanted. Now it takes me hours to get ready just to go to the shops and even then I look a bit crap. Everyone keeps telling me how tired I look (someone told me yesterday that they could sense my dehydration which was an odd thing to say) and I completely agree but it’s not helpful to be told you look shit when you already feel shit.

Then there are the evenings. The baby is restless in the evenings despite my efforts otherwise. Almost every night he gets fussy just as dinner time approaches. I get stressed as hubby tends to make the dinner these days and yet we never eat the food hot as the baby disrupts it. Perhaps I need to start the bath and bedtime routine earlier.

I also have a really tough time of sleeping as I wake many times even without the baby crying out. I have a daily dream/nightmare where I wake up confused and thinking I’ve not fed the cats of the baby, and confusing how many of each we have. It sounds minor but it’s the feeling of confusion which is upsetting. I think my mind just cannot rest so it means I don’t sleep well.

My husband has been good at mentally propping me up but doesn’t have the answers either. I don’t think anyone does. Of course I’m tired because that’s normal with new babies but I think I’m mentally exhausting myself with all of this but don’t know how to cut a break. It’s still so hot here I can’t get out in nature during the day with him. I hope it cools down soon so I can at least enjoy some walks in the park to clear my head.

I’ve messaged my paediatrician today and kind of indicated I am struggling.  She is going to call me in the morning to “discuss options” which sounds kind of terrifying.  I hope she doesn’t suggest going for counselling or something like that because I hate counselling, but also what do I do with the baby if I have to go see a counsellor. The circle continues.

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8 thoughts on “All of the crying

  1. Hugs from afar hun! Being a new mom is stressful, the crying is stressful, the lack of sleep is stressful, your hormones adjusting is stressful, no wonder you are full of tears. Know that you are NOT alone in this. I think as your body readjusts AND all these other crazy stressful things are happening it is totally normal to feel like you do. Just remember it is all just temporary and things WILL get easier.

    That said, I think you made a good first step in calling your doctor. Now you can be sure if it is a level of PPD that requires medication or not. I am guessing those are the options she is going to talk to you about… unless in your country you have to go to counseling along with that? But I also don’t think counseling would hurt either, you would get out of the house and be able to talk through your feelings (which is exactly what you are doing when you write a blog post, so at least the counselor can respond to you in person and immediately) 🙂

    You ARE an excellent MOM and baby is NOT bored!
    Do you have a baby toy that sits on the floor with a mirror? That was my babes’ fav when they were little and it still is in their top toys (google “Fisher Price Crawl Along Snail” – something similar to this will enhance tummy time fun). Also, those activity playmats where they lay on their back and look up and can grab dangling things are good.

    Hope this helps…. Just remember, you GOT this! You are doing a wonderful job, and everything will eventually get easier. In the mean time, you are doing the best thing for you and baby by checking with your doctor. Best wishes mamma!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your supportive comments. They have helped me a lot. I am looking forward to it getting easier!! I think if I can get the baby sleeping for longer periods then I will feel better. The sleep deprivation is tough!!
      My doctor and I agreed that we would see how I go and if I feel worse I’m to call her immediately. I had a good day yesterday so that’s something.
      I’ve tried the overhead activity playmat but I think he’s still a bit young for it. The mirror toy sounds good though. I’ll try and find the one you suggested.
      You’re so kind for reaching out to me. Thank you so much. 😘😘

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  2. I ageee with dinksbydefault – mommy guilt is totally normal and they are still not interactive at 5 weeks so it is really tough. I sang to alex to keep my sanity! They are amused by super mundane things like the corner of a picture frame, mirror is a good idea. Maybe check out the wonder weeks app as it can show you what is developmentally appropriate games. When Alex was 5 months we struggled to get out the house before 2 pm but we tried to do one thing a day. Do you have any air conditioned shops etc you can go to just to be out the house? Is there any mommy groups you can look to join too – I don’t think we started until a bit later …….but it is good to have something to look forward to! Sounds like lack of sleep is making everything else harder- can you get someone (inlaws?) to watch the baby for an hour or two in the day or evening whilst you take a nap? Also it sounds like you have some of the PPD symptoms, we are at risk by being IVF and expats… I couldn’t find a European line but these guys are based in the Uk and have a helpline and online support- can’t hurt to give them a ring? http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk Also you might look at talking to your GP/OB/midwife too

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    1. Thanks so much for your excellent suggestions! I have been trying to get out and go somewhere (anywhere) every day. I can’t really walk many places because of the heat so mainly we have been visiting cafes and baby-friendly restaurants. The mall is also a frequent destination but it’s sooooooo tiny that there are only so many times you can go. I left something at one of the coffee shops there by accident the other day and they just kept it for me for when I came in next because I go in so often 🤣.
      I’m trying to make my own mummy group at the moment. I know someone who had twins a month before my guy so I’m going to visit her next week. Also, I made friends with another girl who gave birth in the same clinic 2 hours after me. I’m going to see if she wants to meet up. I also plan to join a baby massage group in September. I’m still thinking about baby yoga and I might save aqua babies for a bit longer, I’m not sure. Keeping busy is the key!!
      I also have it in mind to get back to yoga in September. I’ve asked the inlaws if their maid (yes, they have maids here!!) who is great with kids can watch my guy for 2 hours each Wednesday so I can go to yoga. If that works out I’ll be very happy. xxx

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  3. Oh one more tip- old wives tale, but worked for us was to get Alex to see the sunset to help him adjust to sleeping more at night. Either way even if it doesn’t work, going outside to see he sunset is nice anyway 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh really?! That’s interesting although at the moment it clashes a bit with bathtime. I took him out last night in a carrier but it was a bit before sunset. I might have to re-think my timings. I think you need to come for a holiday here to tell me all your parenting hacks!!

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