I don’t know what’s been going on with me the past couple of days but I have been crying so much. Everything is more or less fine; the baby is ok, nothing particular bad has happened, but I just feel so incredibly sad.
I feel sad that I’m not a good enough mother, that the baby can sense my uselessness, that he’s bored (I’m bored so this may be projecting), that I don’t cuddle him enough… the list goes on. My husband tells me constantly that I’m a good mum and that the baby likes me (he generally stops crying when I hold him) but I feel inadequate. I don’t even know what you do with him to keep him stimulated particularly when he’s awake. He’s not very interested in any toys yet but I guess that will come in time. Any tips?
I don’t wish the baby away but I really do miss my old life where I had a job that I was really good at and valued for, where I actually looked pretty and had a nice figure (no Mum-tum back then), and I could do whatever and whenever I wanted. Now it takes me hours to get ready just to go to the shops and even then I look a bit crap. Everyone keeps telling me how tired I look (someone told me yesterday that they could sense my dehydration which was an odd thing to say) and I completely agree but it’s not helpful to be told you look shit when you already feel shit.
Then there are the evenings. The baby is restless in the evenings despite my efforts otherwise. Almost every night he gets fussy just as dinner time approaches. I get stressed as hubby tends to make the dinner these days and yet we never eat the food hot as the baby disrupts it. Perhaps I need to start the bath and bedtime routine earlier.
I also have a really tough time of sleeping as I wake many times even without the baby crying out. I have a daily dream/nightmare where I wake up confused and thinking I’ve not fed the cats of the baby, and confusing how many of each we have. It sounds minor but it’s the feeling of confusion which is upsetting. I think my mind just cannot rest so it means I don’t sleep well.
My husband has been good at mentally propping me up but doesn’t have the answers either. I don’t think anyone does. Of course I’m tired because that’s normal with new babies but I think I’m mentally exhausting myself with all of this but don’t know how to cut a break. It’s still so hot here I can’t get out in nature during the day with him. I hope it cools down soon so I can at least enjoy some walks in the park to clear my head.
I’ve messaged my paediatrician today and kind of indicated I am struggling. She is going to call me in the morning to “discuss options” which sounds kind of terrifying. I hope she doesn’t suggest going for counselling or something like that because I hate counselling, but also what do I do with the baby if I have to go see a counsellor. The circle continues.