Showers, stress and tears

I have said for some time I didn’t want a baby shower, mainly because my family and closest friends are halfway around the other side of the world. I feared either no one would come or those that did would do it under obligation. So when my husband offered to organise the shower for me as he didn’t want me to miss out I thought it was the sweetest thing ever.

I was wrong. 

This shower has turned into a big mess. To summarise, he didn’t have a clue what a baby shower involves and why would he? He planned to get a party planner to do it and she went AWOL. So then it came down to him organising it with his mum and everyone getting super stressed. I started to worry it would be a disaster and got very upset about the whole thing. He called me miserable and ungrateful and then things snowballed from there over the weekend. 

Also on Saturday he unloaded a bunch of stuff about his family and concerns they have about me potentially being manipulative and keeping them from seeing the baby. Sorry but WHAT?!! I do not feel this way and I have NEVER indicated anything differently. In fact, I go out of my way to send his mum updates – I send her videos of the bump kicking and all the photos of the scans when I visit the doctor. I’ve brought her to baby shows with me and let her choose the colour of the stroller (she did buy it for us as a gift). 

So let’s just say by Sunday I was feeling ragged by the attacks. Once again the baby shower was brought up on Sunday and it made me sad again. I cried. I am practically 8 months pregnant and I cry at Amazon Prime adverts so this is not really a surprise that the prospect of having a shit and/or cancelled baby shower made me cry!

Various words were exchanged with me not being an innocent party in all of this. At one point (in the middle of a swim in the sea, no jokes), he told me I was miserable. This was true but it was said as an attack not out of concern. I said nothing but gave some kind of death stare and he proceeded to throw a strop which culminated in a 1 hour drive home in silence thus followed by a total refusal to a) speak to me in any capacity or b) be in the same room. 

I have been very upset about all of this. I took some of his feedback on board and visited his parents on Sunday to expressly inform them that I have NO INTENTION of blocking them from seeing their grandchild and that I’m very grateful for all their support. I did this with a bright red face and floods of tears. Classy. 

Much discussion was also held about the baby shower and an action plan for organising it was decided. All was fine. 

Unfortunately the stress of the situation with my husband caused Grade A insomnia and painful Braxton Hicks on Sunday night so I was a total mess at work on Monday. I held myself together until about 4pm when I got a message from my MIL telling me my husband had called her and cancelled my baby shower. WTF?! 

Then I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Thankfully my colleagues and my boss helped me calm down. The contractions had started up again then and everyone got worried. The girls I work with have now volunteered to take over all organisation of the party which is the most beautiful thing ever. 

I hoped that by taking this task off my husband he would relax a bit but he refused to speak to me at all again last night   So that was 2 nights he slept on the floor of his study. I can’t imagine he slept well. I think he slept with cat blankets to keep him warm which has made me giggle to myself at least. 

I managed to get some sleep last night and only had BH for a short period of the night so I feel a bit more put together today. But I’m furious! I’m so mad that he felt this was an appropriate and acceptable way to deal with conflict. 

I’m not expecting sunshine and rainbows 100% of the time and I know I’m not an innocent party in all of this, but more than 2 days of putting your 8 months pregnant wife through this level of stress? No, that’s hard to get over. It means he’s put his own ego ahead of the welfare of his unborn child and I cannot get my head around that. 

He sent me a text message earlier indicating he wants to make up now but am I wrong to feel that I need something more from him to move on from this? I can’t be sure he won’t behave like this again whenever things turn ugly again in the future. This is really stressing me out. All advice is welcome. 

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17 thoughts on “Showers, stress and tears

  1. Oh boy. I don’t even know what to say, forgive me, but I don’t blame you for being mad at him and needing MORE from him before putting this to bed. If it were me, I would bring up how you are in a tender state and the whole thing was handled poorly. I’d probably mention understanding his stress about the baby shower as a positive so it wouldn’t go completely bad. Ugh, I’m sorry lady. You should not be having any stress! As for your in laws- WTF?! I’m upset for you. Hugs!

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    1. Thank you. That’s more or less what happened. We discussed the events that lead up to the issue (in which I was equally guilty of being an a/hole) and I really went in hard with how his reaction was disproportionate and completely unacceptable. I don’t think he’d contemplated the impact it might have on the baby of me being highly stressed. This is by no way an excuse for him. How he has behaved is appalling but I’m glad it was discussed calmly and everyone got a chance to say their points.
      On a side note, it turns out his mum never even wanted to host the baby shower and he had to convince her to do it. Sheesh! You can’t blame a girl for being a little aloof with her inlaws when stuff like this makes you questions WTF is in their minds. Fun times. Thank you for your support. It means a lot. xx

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  2. Oh dear oh dear. I’m sorry but your husband should never have treated you that way. NEVER. Especially when you’re pregnant.

    I hope you’ve sorted things out with your husband and that this should never happen again. I mean. That’s really taking it too far – leaving you alone and sleeping in the other room and making you upset. He needs too spare a thought for all the tough things you have gone through – of course he has a part to play too but the person to endure and physically go through whatever mishaps took place before was you.

    Do think of happier things now okay? And do as much shopping as it pleases you – especially for the baby! Do take care!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you!! I did do some shopping actually! I bought two pairs of shoes. Hahaha!

      We ended up having a long and calm discussion last night and while I’m not happy at all about his behaviour I now have a better understanding of where it came from. It also gave me a chance to directly tell him that it is unacceptable now for him to put himself before his (unborn) child. I really rammed that message home. I think it had the necessary impact but only time will tell.
      Thanks for your support. xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Not yet. I’m still in the same size shoes and my feet and hands don’t seem to have swollen much at all. There’s still time so I don’t want to jinx myself!

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      2. Oooh.. that’s good! I had no choice but to get bigger shoes.
        Well it’s gonna be soon! So exciting!! You’ll be busy busy busy in no time!

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      3. I’ve heard that from many people actually so I half expected it to happen. Let’s see if my feet can hold out 3 more weeks. 🙂

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  3. and the baby’s not even here yet and your in laws are talking about you potentially keeping him away from them?? That doesn’t make sense!

    And just a word of caution and it’s cos i experienced this. I don’t know if this happens in your culture though.

    You as the mother will always know best for your baby. So do trust your instincts even if you arent sure of what you’re doing. Don’t let others tell you how to take care of your baby or give instructions. Just make sure you’re in control.

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  4. Aw, what a rough few days! I’ve read the comments and I see things are better now that you’ve talked. That was going to be my advice, too – just talk and tell him how you feel. I try to remember that people process in different ways and stress come out in different ways. Husbands can be jerks sometimes, but hello – there’s a line they shouldn’t cross. You had every right to be mad at him! At least he had to sleep with the cat blanket. 😉

    As for in-laws? Most are crazy. My husband’s parents have passed away, so there’s only set on grandparents for our baby, but (from a prior relationship), I know in-laws can be tough to deal with. And I’m sorry your shower is turning out to be a cause of stress. I hope everything gets resolved. xxxx

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    1. Thank you. Yes things are somewhat resolved now and I hope he has an understanding now of how to better deal with conflict. It wasn’t really the fight that made me so anxious but the extent to which he behaved. It was unusual and extreme. But we all have our faults I guess.

      The shower will be nice, I’m sure of it. However I really do wish I’d never agreed to it in the first instance. I’ll try and listen to myself a bit stronger in future.

      Inlaws – pffftttt! Who knows what to do about that. I’m just going to assume that everyone is just trying to do their best and that they mean well overall. I can’t get too caught up in the detail or I’ll go crazy.

      Thanks for the comments though. I really appreciate it. xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. oh no I’m sorry to hear about all the drama! Hubby needs to work on his communication skills, just ignoring you when there is an issue just makes things worse. That must have been really hurtful to hear those odd comments from your in laws about you. I’m sorry. Maybe it’s a cultural difference or some things were lost in translation?! I’ve no idea but those weren’t nice things they were saying or thinking. I hope things will get better. I’m sure there will be more challenges once baby is there and hubby shouldn’t just ignore you then if there’s a problem!! (I have occasionally been immature and given my hubby the silent treatment for a few minutes but I know how bad it is and never helpful in a marriage.) Hugs!

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    1. Thank you. This is his way of dealing with maximum stress but it’s not mine which makes it rough. I’m going to have to work harder not to let things get to be this much of a volcano in future too. Ugh. Relationships are hard!! I really did think about not posting about this but actually it helped me to feel clearer in my mind about what was most unacceptable so when I actually came to talk to him I had my mind sorted out.

      As for his parents… some of that is definitely cultural but I think people just let their minds run away from themselves sometimes. If they had any read on me as a person they wouldn’t think these things. This makes me sad that for various reasons they don’t really know who I am. In any case, things are better now and I’m just trying to focus on the positives and on those aspects I have some degree of control over. The rest will have to sort itself out. Anyway, your news this morning made me super happy!! Good things do happen to good people!!

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