Losing my mind

Everyone bangs on about the two week wait, but I have to say that was a piece of cake compared with the past few days of wondering if my little one is going to make it this time. I pride myself on being the kind of person that can handle stuff really well.  I’m successful at work, manage multiple projects and deadlines more or less seamlessly, but this waiting game is BRUTAL!

I know pregnancy hormones are meant to bring out the see-saw hormones anyway, but I don’t even know if I can fully blame them for my current mental state of affairs.  I am just so scared.  So scared of having to go through the same loss/grief process as before and on exactly the same timeframe as last year.  If I wasn’t going through IVF again at this period in time I would still be thinking of everything that’s happened (and not happened) in the past 12 months, but now I am doing that and wondering if it’s going to happen again. It’s like the most messed up deja vu situation possible.

For the past 24 hours I have been full-scale panicking that I’m losing all of my pregnancy symptoms. This is mainly based on having lost my heartburn.  Who would thought anyone would actually be excited to have heartburn?!  I then decided my boobs were smaller than the day before and less sore, but I might have imagined that because they’re still feeling pretty darned sore today!  Tonight I started to wonder if I was imagining feeling nauseous but then I got that weird thing in my mouth where the saliva started overproducing so maybe it was for real. I found me a breadstick and felt much better! 🙂

On the medical front, I had my thyroid tested yesterday and it’s still too high, dammit! It came in at 3.9 and it’s meant to be under 2 during pregnancy.  Ugh. I think this was the trigger for my latest panic as underachieve thyroid is a contributing factor to miscarriage.  I don’t need any help in the miscarriage department so my mind started leaping wildly to conclusions, my heart racing and my fingers typing into Google faster than you thought was humanly possible.

Both my super-awesome haematologist and endocrinologist (both women) are really supportive and have told me it’s a little too high a score than we would like at this time, but it is not really bad either so I am feeling a bit better.  Both of them were all very much of the opinion that staying positive is Very Important, so I am doing my best to listen to the advice.

Hubby has also been reassuring saying I am pregnant until someone tells him otherwise (that someone is not me it seems).  I am almost in total denial that I am pregnant and he asked me how far pregnant I have to get before I’ll acknowledge it.  I suggested maybe when I’m in the delivery suite!  Haha!

So now I have to hang on / endure the days between now and Monday.  And stay positive.

Must.

Stay.

Positive!

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6 thoughts on “Losing my mind

  1. I am not sure if this will help, but for this emby that stuck – I literally has NO symptoms AT ALL until about week 8 (when I started to feel a bit sick, then sicker and sicker)…. so it is not unheard of for pregnancy symptoms to go away or not be there (they disappeared again about week 16/17). In answer to your husband’s question, I think it is something gradual that happens slowly as you pass more and more milestones; for me it took until about week 20-22 to be comfortable enough to tell people. Good to hear your haematologist and endocrinologist are on the same page – if two seperate experts give you the same advice then it must be good advice! xx Good luck with the waiting xx

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    1. That definitely helps!! I am all for evidence of no symptoms and healthy pregnancies! I’m feeling a bit yuck tonight and I’m delighted by it. How did you hide it for so long?!! xx

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  2. I still have moments I question if Im truly pregnant. Especially when I wake up in the mornings. Some women would consider me blessed that I didnt have many symptoms, but like you, the symptoms were all that kept me going. Get yourself a doppler once out of the first tri, it will be a lifesaver all those mornings u have no symptoms.

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  3. I’ve been wondering about just this… is it normal for symptoms to fluctuate? I had a full on panic the other day, spent the day prodding my breasts convinced they were less tender. I’m having a similar day today… hoping the holidays helps time to speed up for both of us!

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  4. I am totally in the same boat. I have 8 more days until my next ultrasound where we will hopefully see a heartbeat. I think this is the worst wait yet 😦 With my pregnancy earlier this year, the 7-week ultrasound is where it all went downhill so I’m beyond anxious for this next ultrasound to be over with. I also get so excited when I feel nauseous or super-exhausted. I check my boobs constantly and when I think they feel less sore, I panic. But as you said, must. stay. positive. Did you go on Synthroid for your thyroid? I’ve been on Synthroid since TTC the last two years, and they tested my level last week & it was 2.93. So they upped my dosage.

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    1. OMG! This is the same for me! I’ve not made it to 8 weeks with the heart still beating. Everything you’ve said is like you’re in my head!! Synthroid is the brand name for Levothyroxine which is what I’m taking too. They’ve upped my dose too so I really hope this works. Yours is lower than mine at least!! Wishing you all the best!! 🍀🍀🍀

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