Everyone bangs on about the two week wait, but I have to say that was a piece of cake compared with the past few days of wondering if my little one is going to make it this time. I pride myself on being the kind of person that can handle stuff really well. I’m successful at work, manage multiple projects and deadlines more or less seamlessly, but this waiting game is BRUTAL!
I know pregnancy hormones are meant to bring out the see-saw hormones anyway, but I don’t even know if I can fully blame them for my current mental state of affairs. I am just so scared. So scared of having to go through the same loss/grief process as before and on exactly the same timeframe as last year. If I wasn’t going through IVF again at this period in time I would still be thinking of everything that’s happened (and not happened) in the past 12 months, but now I am doing that and wondering if it’s going to happen again. It’s like the most messed up deja vu situation possible.
For the past 24 hours I have been full-scale panicking that I’m losing all of my pregnancy symptoms. This is mainly based on having lost my heartburn. Who would thought anyone would actually be excited to have heartburn?! I then decided my boobs were smaller than the day before and less sore, but I might have imagined that because they’re still feeling pretty darned sore today! Tonight I started to wonder if I was imagining feeling nauseous but then I got that weird thing in my mouth where the saliva started overproducing so maybe it was for real. I found me a breadstick and felt much better! 🙂
On the medical front, I had my thyroid tested yesterday and it’s still too high, dammit! It came in at 3.9 and it’s meant to be under 2 during pregnancy. Ugh. I think this was the trigger for my latest panic as underachieve thyroid is a contributing factor to miscarriage. I don’t need any help in the miscarriage department so my mind started leaping wildly to conclusions, my heart racing and my fingers typing into Google faster than you thought was humanly possible.
Both my super-awesome haematologist and endocrinologist (both women) are really supportive and have told me it’s a little too high a score than we would like at this time, but it is not really bad either so I am feeling a bit better. Both of them were all very much of the opinion that staying positive is Very Important, so I am doing my best to listen to the advice.
Hubby has also been reassuring saying I am pregnant until someone tells him otherwise (that someone is not me it seems). I am almost in total denial that I am pregnant and he asked me how far pregnant I have to get before I’ll acknowledge it. I suggested maybe when I’m in the delivery suite! Haha!
So now I have to hang on / endure the days between now and Monday. And stay positive.