Bring it on!

Since my last post I have been doing way too much thinking. Sometimes thinking is good, it’s important and it helps you find a way through the grey days.  But geez, it takes it out of you!

As I suggested previously, I am finding the prospect of the next embryo transfer incredibly loaded with anxiety. The reality is that the first time I didn’t feel this way.  I was anxious about whether I would have a positive pregnancy test or not (still a concern), but I never entertained the concept of getting pregnant and then losing the baby. Yes of course that was naive, but it’s also an important survival method as keeping positive is only ever a good thing.

But then after the two losses and the alarm bells screeching that there’s something wrong with my body, I am just so bloody nervous right now. It had me thinking all sorts of things along the lines of:

  • Maybe I’m just not meant to have a baby
  • What if I fall pregnant again and lose the baby again the same way (or a different way)? Can I cope with a third loss inside 12 months? (Answer: no)
  • What if I fall pregnant and then turn into a giant fat monster and never, ever have sex ever again?
  • What if I never have sex again, generally? (IVF does not often make couples more likely to get down and dirty in my experience and in my non-scientific surveying)
  • What if I am so bloody awful to live with that my husband trades in and trades up to a newer/younger model? Ugh.

So yeah.  That’s where my head has been recently.  And several other people I know have recently made baby announcements which has just been the icing on the cake.  I’ve become a bit numb to other people’s happiness now but at least I no longer get hysterical about them, so that’s something I guess.

Anyway, on a physical and medical side of things, everything is going SUPER FANTASTIC! In the past 7 days I’ve been in the clinic 6 of those days – including 5 blood tests.  My arms resemble those of someone who might enjoy sticking needles in them recreationally. My doctor – who is notorious for his poor bedside manner – annoyed me so badly on Monday I lost my sh!t in his office.  I was asking him why he prescribes one steroid over the other and why he chooses the dose he does (i.e. to explain his methods) and he just kept saying I could have whatever dose I wanted.  I have no medical background so that is pure lunacy to tell me I can choose my own dosage.  I told him that he was wasting my time if he was just going to be so dismissive of my questions and then I burst into tears.

And I haven’t even taken any of the crazy hormones recently!!

Husband saved the day by taking on the role of (super) good cop while I stared at the wall and pretended to be invisible.  I had to go back for scans Wednesday and Friday (without the husband) and it was like the doctor had been given a lobotomy or personality transplant in the meantime.  He kept telling me how great my lining looked, that it was the perfect cycle for a transplant, that he’s sooo happy about my recovery from the egg collection.  I’m not sure if I prefer him being himself (rude) or this new Disney-version (fake).  It sure was funny though!

Down to the medical stuff.  My transfer will be this Wednesday. This time I am on EVERY DRUG THERE IS!  I am going to be so batsh1t crazy!  Please check back here in a few days time so see the latest update in my hormonal rollercoaster and laugh heartily at my crazy!

Here is what I am on for the next few days:

  • Cyclogest 400mg: Progesterone pessaries – twice a day
  • Nuseals 75mg: Aspirin – once per day
  • Medrol 16mg: Methylprednisolone – once per day
  • Cyclacur white: Estradiol (oestrogen) – 2 tablets, twice per day, i.e. 4 tablets per day
  • Clexane 0.4ml: Blood thinners injection – once per day, starting after the transfer (my haematologist might bump this up to 0.6ml if I get pregnant but she’s currently arguing with my IVF doctor about this)
  • Folic acid 5mg: Once per day
  • Euthyrox 5omg: levothyroxine sodium (thyroid drug) – once per day
  • Today I spent 3 hours having IV intralipids. This will be repeated in the case of a positive pregnancy test on the notification of the test and then every 2 weeks later of the first trimester

In addition to the medically prescribed stuff, I also take the following vitamins especially for those trying to conceive:

  • Zita West Vital DHA – twice per day (husband also takes these – they make your hair grow super fast!)
  • Zita West Vitafem – three times per day
  • Zita West Vitalem Boost 1 – three times per day
  • Zita West Inositol & folate (dissolves in water) – once per day
  • Zita West vitamin D oral spray – once per day

One of the current challenges is just remembering what to take and at what time.  And FYI, the Medrol is freaking disgusting tasting even if it lasts only a micro second on your tongue!  I follow it with a chaser of milk and I know others who take it with a cookie to kill the nasty flavour.  Whatever gets you through it!

Regardless of all my “thinking”, it’s full speed ahead this Wednesday. We’ve come this far, and we are not giving up so easily.  Keeping our fingers and toes crossed because, as my friend said the other day to me, “the universe owes you a baby now”.

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11 thoughts on “Bring it on!

  1. Wishing you all the luck in the world for Wednesday!! I really hope this is it for you 🙂 I don’t blame you for getting frustrated with doc this is exactly how I felt and asked him the exact same questions and he gave me the same ridiculous answers, I think he just doesn’t like being questioned and he gets all defensive but that didn’t help my stress/ confidence levels at the time… Anyway I think he knows what he’s doing overall he just has a terrible way of explaining it and reassuring you. FYI my September protocol in Greece was quite similar to what you are taking (although mine was a fresh transfer and I only had 2 eggs retrieved and thought it was all over) but I am 9 weeks along with twins so far and fingers crossed everything goes well. So fingers crossed for both of us xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My doctor can also be a bit jekyll and hyde too! Super nice guy some times and rude and abrupt other times! It seems to be hard to find a good doctor with nice bedside manor! I was thinking about your sex worries. During my previous IVF cycles we rarely did the deed as I generally was just feeling crappy but a friend of mine got pregnant from her third IVF and her and her hubby had Lots of great sex! They both enjoyed the fact that her boobs got bigger haha. She told me her husband also got more loving towards her in general once she was pregnant. I also have some friends who tell me they still have a sex life after baby, it’s not so frequent but still there, just to reassure you 😉 Best of luck for your transfer!! x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comments are just the tonic for me today. You make a lot of sense actually – the stress (particularly the anxiety that remains stubbornly subliminal) takes away some of the sexual excitement. If you switch that out for a bit more joy it makes sense that this connection would come back. I seem to be wishing for so many things simultaneously. I’m so greedy! So for now I just focus on tomorrow and see what comes after that. Thanks again for your reassurance. It’s helping a lot! x

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