Cold feet and warm thoughts

~ A

One of the outcomes of IVF treatment that has really floored me is how it changes your perception of yourself. The process is so all-encompassing that it’s almost inevitable that you end up focused solely on the goal of making a baby at the expense of most other things. 

What I’ve learned the hard way – and you really do have to look for the rainbows during the storms – is that there is more to me than my (in)fertility. I have more than once lost sight of my own strengths and value I bring to the world. I’m not claiming to be anything special, but we all have something unique that we contribute that is more than just based on our uteruses. 

Most recently I’ve started to feel sexy again. To be able to look at my body and think yep, that’s not bad! I know that in a few weeks I’m going to be all dosed up on evil, bloating progesterone again (ugh) so for this short period I’m enjoying my sexy. 

The bad side of all this relative freedom is that I’m starting to get cold feet about going ahead with the next transfer. Of course I will still do it but I’m more edgy about it than ever before. 

After 2 missed miscarriages within 5 months of each other and the associated grief, there is a part of me that thinks maybe I’m better off not putting myself through all this again. My husband is more positive about our prospects than me (he always is) but he doesn’t have to be poked, prodded and medicated. 

The reality is that I’m enjoying being and feeling normal. Sure I’d be delighted to have a baby but I’m so terrified of it going badly again I’m asking myself am I doing the right thing?! 

I think I am doing the right thing – there are 15 embryos in the freezer with my DNA in them – but the fear is real!!  I don’t want all that I am to be swalllowed up in the whole ocean of fertility with its infinite depths and dangerous dark patches. Part of me thinks why not just stop this nonsense and just enjoy my life even if that’s without children. 

Am I alone with this thought?!

24 thoughts on “Cold feet and warm thoughts”

  1. I totally know what u mean about finally feeling normal, and it feels SO GOOD … then u have to start pumping yourself with drugs again and it sucks. The problem is that if you are ever going to give it another go then sooner is always better than later with fertility, and it sounds like you guys have already made that decision by doing another egg retrieval! I cannot imagine the fear of all encompassing grief after 2 m/c…. but my understanding is that you are doing things differently this time? You also have a fresh batch, and they’ll select the best embryo first. So you have a good shot at it. The question is, if you didn’t do it now (seeing that you’ve already gone to the effort of egg R)… will you regret it? I imagine that even with a BFP you will not feel safe for many weeks to come – stay strong, we will all be here for you xx

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    1. Everything you said is absolutely true and makes complete logical sense. Yes, this round I am doing things differently and will be having all the extra steroids, blood thinners etc. My reaction is purely emotional so I guess I will go forward and just hope that this time is better. Thank you for your support. xx

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  3. You’re not alone. We had a year between cycles and tbh I’m not sure I could have faced the second one any earlier. It took me so long to get back to feeling myself (and I don’t think I totally did). It’s a huge emotional and physical toll. Also once you’ve done it before, it’s hard not to think of all the worst case scenarios. But it sounds like you have amazing prospects! We never had frosties. I hope this is it for you!

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  5. Its nice to get yourself back physically after a failed cycle or a loss. I get it 100%. After 4 cycles and 4 losses, I hated my body. I never truly got it back yet (Im hoping after this baby) but I think its great you are feeling sexy again. It gives us hope that there are other things out there that make us up other than our fertility.

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  6. Loved this post. It is so easy to lose yourself in this life crisis! But yes we are so much more than our ability or inability to reproduce! Life is a beautiful gift and we should love ourselves. I can’t imagine going through what you have gone through, it’s no wonder you go back and forth. But it sounds like you have so much to be optimistic about right now, so good luck!

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    2. We have had unexplained infertility for almost 10 years now. 4 failed iui’s and months of timed conception. We are starting our first cycle of IVF this month!!! I’m extatic & absolutely TERRIFIED at the same time. I’ve read through a bit of your blog… your entries inspire me to push forward to the unknown. Thanks !

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  7. Alone? HECK NO! I’m right there with you. The exhaustion, the conflicted emotions about whether to try again or to just let your body “be” for awhile without the expectations, and the uncertainty surrounding fertility treatments. I’ve endured so many cycles at this point that I’m starting to lose count (is this six or seven? ummm right, seven! ugh!). We are in no way defined by infertility but with the process as overwhelming as it is and with the possibility of life-altering results, how could we stay sane and not focus on it 24/7!? Optimism is all we have at this point, so if we are going to be up worrying about it constantly, why not focus on that?

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  8. I am starting my 1st IVF cycle this month and am FREAKING out… I’ve thought about that same thing. Why don’t we save ALL this $$ and be happy just the 2 of us. We’re going forward but I’d be lost without my husband support. This process is a tough one.

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    1. It’s understandable you’re freaking out. I think that’s a pretty well shared emotion!! The best advice I can give is just to focus on what you have to do today. It can be overwhelming if you look to far ahead and start imagining the different outcome options. Also, if you haven’t already done so it’s a great idea to cut out all alcohol and caffeine. I didn’t do that properly until my second full round and my egg quality was so much better. The same goes for guys and their sperm so your other half also should commit to a healthy lifestyle.

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      2. That’s what they say. I got hubby down to 1 coffee a day. I went fully caffeine free for a while but I’m sure 1 a day is not so bad. Remember chocolate has caffeine too…

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      4. Just have one normal coffee and one decaf. Maybe get someone to get it for you so you don’t know which one is decaf.

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