How much is too much?

I’m in the middle of no-man’s land at the moment as I wait for my next cycle and likely transfer date in November. It’s actually nice as I’m mainly medication-free (thyroid meds excepted) and I almost feel like my usual self at the moment. 

The pregnant girl at my work is being occasionally irritating – I nearly cried at my desk on Friday when she came back from a doctor’s appointment and was joyfully telling everyone she could kind of see a hand on her baby scan – but I really feel that’s my sensitivity rather than any insensitivity on her part. 

However, this and the recent family christening drama have made me wonder how much should I have to apologise for my own grief?

I understand that we are all in our own bubbles and narcissistic to varying degrees. So while I’m walking around thinking everyone is staring and pointing at me as “the childless one” maybe they’re not. Or maybe it’s a fleeting thought before they go back to thinking about what’s for dinner. 

There is a grounding for these thoughts in that there is some unresolved issues currently with my hubby’s family and I’m not really sure how much I should unload on them. I think I’ve explained before here, that his parents are very nice, kind and generous people but they have an almost total lack of empathy. So even if I did emotionally unload I won’t get the response that I want from them, which is kindness and understanding. 

I realise that in a normal situation most people would just be honest and let them understand the pain that we are feeling. But my husband is VERY private and I don’t think he would want me to do that. At the same time, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that we’ve been married for 3.5 years, together for 7.5 years and I’m fast approaching my 38th birthday. With no baby in sight it doesn’t take much to deduce that maybe we have a sensitivity to this topic. 

So am I being overly unrealistic about how other people should behave, or should those who are close to me be more sensitive? Should I be apologising more freely for my own grief? How much information is too much to share? 

All advice welcome!

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9 thoughts on “How much is too much?

  1. Sadly most people are only thinking about themselves…think about, before your own struggles began, how much you thought about others might be dealing with infertility. As for me, back in the day, I had always assumed those my age just were deliberately childless. When it happens to us our hearts change and open…

    Share bits and pieces and see how it feels… some will make it easier once you share, others will stay clueless…

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    1. My best friend has had fertility issues for 6+ years so I had some degree of insight but you’re right. The parents don’t have the ability to empathise so it’s best probably I say nothing. Let them be clueless! Thanks for the comments. I needed a bit of tough love!

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      1. They can’t empathize, true, but if the roles were reversed for the ones you are closest to, would you wish they’d have shared so you could at least hug them? I’m not telling you to do so whatsoever as hell, almost all of our friends abandoned ship over the past year during this mess. Yet I’ve found support in acquaintances I’d never have imagined – including a recent client who turns out had gone through both IVF and miscarriage multiple times before having her daughter. It’s a hard one. You got us in blogland no matter what though 🙂

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  2. Hope you are doing well! I don’t think you can really expect much from people who have not gone through infertility themselves unfortunately… I didn’t get any real support apart from people who are really close to me e.g. Husband parents 1-2 friend I think most people just seriously don’t get it(I.e how much it hurts and how tough it is) and think we just need to keep trying and it will happen eventually if we want it enough or that if it doesn’t we can just adopt etc etc i know it sucks… Also I completely empathise about the pregnant girl at work to, haven’t had one in about a year and keep dreading the day the next one announces a pregnancy… Colleagues have given up predicting I will be next 🙂

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    1. You’re so right. I think I got my head up my ass today! I should just have no expectations of anyone and it will be fine. I’m all good at the moment. 15 future babies on ice. One has to work, right? How are you? No blogging?

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      1. I know I was so impressed/ happy to hear your cycle went so well! One definitely has to work and I hope it’s the next one 🙂 no I have given up on my blog, fallen too far behind, just joined some forums now and use it to keep up with some blogs that I like following like yours 🙂

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  3. I agree with the 2 commenters above. I realized only recently that other people aren’t thinking about my childless even .2% as much as I imagine that they are. Everyone’s wrapped up in their own problems and, like you said, if they do think about it, it’s only a fleeting thought.

    That said, there’s “most people” and then there’s the people who you’re close to. Work colleagues and the general public can’t really be expected to have a clue. But family and friends should be able to put two and two together and figure that you either don’t want/can’t have children. Those are the people who (hopefully) should show some sensitivity toward you.

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    1. You’re right. I’m being too self obsessed and should stick with sharing details with those people who show a kindness. There’s more to me – and all of us – than fertility (or lack of)!

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  4. That’s a tricky one. I find that certain people that we tell about our struggles to have a baby, just don’t know what to say and there’s just an awkward silence! But then other friends are much more understanding, especially ones who are also struggling and then it’s really nice to have people to talk to about how hard it is, that get it. So I tend now to say nothing to certain people who wouldn’t understand or know how to show support and share more with the people who are there for us. And if something upsets me like hearing yet another pregnancy announcement, I normally talk to my husband about it later and get a hug from him and that helps.

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