The unjustness

Life is not fair.

This is a lesson that should be taught to children early on in life, but for some reason we are instead taught that if you’re a good person and do the right thing you will achieve all of your dreams.

I call bullshit on that one.

At the risk of seeming especially bitter today, I can’t help but wonder about the unjustness of the folks around me who keep falling pregnant without even trying while I’m literally doing everything and some to make it happen and yet here I am at nearly 38 and childless. I mean, I can kind of make peace with those folks who are studiously attempting to make a family and of course other bloggers who are going through their own uphill fertility battles (although even then sometimes I can’t follow bloggers after they fall pregnant as it hurts too much). But people who literally find out one day that they’re pregnant and it’s by surprise and they weren’t intending of having a baby now – I turn into a one-woman raging fairness barometer with only one reading and that’s “UNFAIR”.

So where I’m getting at is that I found out today that a colleague in my team is pregnant.  She’s a good 10 years younger than me and has just started working at our company a couple of months ago.  She sits approximately 2 metres from me in an office space that may technically be considered an open space, but a very tiny open space at that!

How am I going to bear it?

And the irony of all of this is that I thought I was feeling pretty good about myself the past few days.  The physical symptoms from the OHSS have all but disappeared and I got my period today so I feel like one of the checkpoints has been passed as we head towards the next transfer. Today was going pretty great and then this speed hump.

I tried to be brave about it and pretend like it doesn’t matter, but it does matter because now have to watch someone else every single day as her belly grows bigger with life while mine stays empty with no life. It’s not like I even have much of a relationship with this girl as she’s new (and 10 years younger than me).  If it was someone I knew already and could kind of feel their happiness maybe it would be easier (maybe not, who knows?!).

Now I just feel that pit of emptiness in my stomach again and that urge to want to cry forever. It’s not fair.  Someone send the memo to Disney.

 

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11 thoughts on “The unjustness

  1. Sorry to hear about the girl at work – that really sucks to have a constant reminder like that. Does your boss know about your m/c? If so, maybe you could ask to move desks so that you don’t have to constantly hear all the congratulations and well wishing in the nearby cube…?

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    1. Yes, my boss knows and a couple of others who I work closely with. Our office is a strange layout and we don’t even have cubes. It’s literally a series of large desks next to each other but in a smallish space. There is no escape. Luckily I have my back to her so I can put headphones on and look the other way and pretend she doesn’t exist.

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  2. I gotta say I’m thankful every day during this IVF crap that I work from home, so my odds are way lower at running into pregnant folks. That being said my hipster neighborhood is FULL of insanely cutely dressed little ones and they’re in the pubs and everything…nowhere to escape!!

    Right as we found out I was infertile early last year, a friend at age 38 who didn’t want kids and assumed she couldn’t have any by that age (ironically because she had many friends at that age battling infertility) got pregnant and it was actually really weird because she was way more supportive than any other of our friends! And yeah, I automatically click ‘unfollow’ as soon as someone is pregnant for the most part, just to save myself the pain. We do what we gotta do, ya know?

    Hang in there – or go watch Shameless on Netflix and automatically feel better about your life like I did this past week, LOL…

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    1. I would like to work from home during all of this but it’s not practical as I’m one of the most senior members of the team. If I don’t turn up for a couple of days it’s ok but then things start to go a bit funky in the wrong direction :). I also live in a country obsessed with family so everywhere you go there are pregnant women and babies. I’m glad I’m not the only one who unfollows as soon as someone is pregnant. It’s too raw to follow their step-by-step progression especially those whose cycles were very close to mine for the two MCs. I do enough what-if thinking of my own!!

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  3. Yes it definitely is not fair. Friends of mine are on their second babies now (and considering whether they want to have a third at some point!) all the while I’m still struggling to just get pregnant and have one. For some people it is just so easy, they decide to have a baby, go off birth control or whatever and then bam get pregnant, and then everything goes smoothly and they have their baby nine months later. I also heard an unexpected pregnancy announcement today from a work colleague and struggled a bit to be happy for them. I hope you will have success soon though, fingers crossed for your transfer!

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  4. Not an easy situation. Feel for you. Your allowed to have these feelings remember that. It’s totally natural. I too feel like there are pregnant women and babies everywhere lately. I can’t go to my local shops without tripping over them. Hope it gets easier. Stay strong. I’m thinking of you xx

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  5. UGH. I just read your post and could not agree more! I actually just wrote a blog post yesterday about how much of a sham the whole If-you’re-good-and-work-hard-then-you’ll-achieve-your-dreams thing is. Why do we continue to believe that? In actuality, if you’re infertile and/or have experienced previous losses, then your only shot at this thing is to stalk every nurse and doctor you can find firing question after question at them, inquiring about every single disease or disorder you’ve read about online, and forcing them to do every single test possible. Then you spend the next month and a half at every acupuncture clinic, eating all sorts of random foods that are supposed to increase your chances, and contemplating which vitamins to take (the one with folate or is folic acid okay??!).

    I walked behind a woman yesterday who was visibly pregnant and waddling..*ugh please get out of my way*…who then began complaining out loud about how uncomfortable it is being pregnant and how she can’t wait for this to be over…*okay now you really need to get out of my way, lady.

    Sending you lots of luck with your next round of IVF….I’m on round five right now…..crossing my fingers for the both of us!

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    1. Oh yes, you’ve totally got this right! I so wish it wasn’t the case. In some ways I’m comforted by hearing stories from kind people like yourself as it really does feel like safety in numbers sometimes. Round 5 of IVF sounds brutal! I don’t know how you’re doing it. Wishing you all the very best too. Good people have to win sometimes, right? xx

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