Life is not fair.
This is a lesson that should be taught to children early on in life, but for some reason we are instead taught that if you’re a good person and do the right thing you will achieve all of your dreams.
I call bullshit on that one.
At the risk of seeming especially bitter today, I can’t help but wonder about the unjustness of the folks around me who keep falling pregnant without even trying while I’m literally doing everything and some to make it happen and yet here I am at nearly 38 and childless. I mean, I can kind of make peace with those folks who are studiously attempting to make a family and of course other bloggers who are going through their own uphill fertility battles (although even then sometimes I can’t follow bloggers after they fall pregnant as it hurts too much). But people who literally find out one day that they’re pregnant and it’s by surprise and they weren’t intending of having a baby now – I turn into a one-woman raging fairness barometer with only one reading and that’s “UNFAIR”.
So where I’m getting at is that I found out today that a colleague in my team is pregnant. She’s a good 10 years younger than me and has just started working at our company a couple of months ago. She sits approximately 2 metres from me in an office space that may technically be considered an open space, but a very tiny open space at that!
How am I going to bear it?
And the irony of all of this is that I thought I was feeling pretty good about myself the past few days. The physical symptoms from the OHSS have all but disappeared and I got my period today so I feel like one of the checkpoints has been passed as we head towards the next transfer. Today was going pretty great and then this speed hump.
I tried to be brave about it and pretend like it doesn’t matter, but it does matter because now have to watch someone else every single day as her belly grows bigger with life while mine stays empty with no life. It’s not like I even have much of a relationship with this girl as she’s new (and 10 years younger than me). If it was someone I knew already and could kind of feel their happiness maybe it would be easier (maybe not, who knows?!).
Now I just feel that pit of emptiness in my stomach again and that urge to want to cry forever. It’s not fair. Someone send the memo to Disney.