A turd in a pool

I am a big fan of the hippopotamus. I like the water and I like horses which is what the name hippopotamus translates to be in Greek – water horse. I also like that they have really big mouths and scary looking teeth. Plus, I took a really great photo at the zoo when I was in high school of a hippopotamus under water (through glass) and the photo makes the hippo really just looks like a giant turd swimming in a pool. That is some serious camouflage. I kind of hope technological advances have not since changed this photographic phenomenon because others should get to experience the same joy as me when they flick through old photo albums and see multiple images of a giant turd in a pool (or a hippopotamus, depending on how optimistic you’re feeling).

Anyway, I’m feeling like a hippopotamus today – the animal.  I’m not feeling especially like a turd in a pool so that’s something positive at least. I took a photo of my belly in knickers and a tank top for my best friend and sent it to her with the caveat that she should delete it after viewing.  She kindly responded by saying my belly looks normal to everyone else and it only looks huge to me, which was a) kind and b) not true.

So I reckon something is going on in ovaries land.

The reason I don’t know precisely what’s going on in ovaries land is because my doctor is crap (maybe he’s the turd in the pool?!). He’s currently on holiday and due back on Monday, which is when my appointment is.  Given that my egg collection is preliminarily scheduled for Wednesday this means that I’ve not been supervised at all throughout the stims process.  I read other people’s blogs and how they have to go to their doctor/clinic every 2-3 days and then I wonder why my doctor does not observe me at all? He doesn’t do tests. I am none the wiser as to how many follicles are potentially growing.  It’s all a big mystery-surprise.

If I had not done this whole shebang a year ago and experienced the hippopotamus side effects I would be properly freaking out right now. I am pretty confident that my giant belly is about the same size at the same time as last year and I got 18 eggs, nine of which fertilised and four of which made it to five days blastocyst stage.  I’m not so focused this year on the overall egg count, but am keen to get my embryo count up a bit this time.  Hubby better bring his A-game swimmers!

I had my appointment with the endocrinologist on Friday and that was pretty good, as far as these things go. It was a lady doctor (yay, feminism!) and she did an ultrasound on my neck (got to leave my clothes on for once which was a nice change) confirming that my thyroid is smaller in size than normal, but also confirming no other nasties like inflammation and nodules and whatever else hell thing can exist.  This means that my thyroid issue is probably pretty new. I asked how I came to suddenly have a thyroid issue and she explained that one of the most likely causes was the large spikes and drops in my hormones caused by two pregnancies and two miscarriages in the space of five months.

Any normal person would have been very sad about this news, and lets face it a thyroid problem is not exactly ideal, but I actually felt a bit relieved about the diagnosis.  I have been feeling entirely devoid of energy for MONTHS now and perhaps this at least partially explains it. My lady doctor was entirely confident she could get my thyroid reading under 2.0 before November, the likely month of my first transfer all things going to plan, and so on to more meds I go! For those who love this stuff, I’ve been prescribed Euthryrox 50 mg, which has the active ingredient of Levothyroxine sodium. Fun times! I get to take one a day, six days a week (Sunday is my rest day).

I also had my first session with a life coach / counsellor who I recruited in one of my dark days earlier in August. By the time the appointment came around I almost cancelled it, but hubby insisted. Anyway, it was good actually. She came to my house, played with my baby kitty, listened to me pour my heart out (it was sooooo good to say some of the stuff I did), and then told me which things I was being overly harsh about and validated some other stuff.  It was actually all very healthy and I liked her a lot which might have been helped by her telling me she thought I was highly intelligent and a high achiever (flattery!)…. although 100 EUR is a lot to pay for what I would probably have gotten from my best friend if she was just down the street rather than on the other side of the world.

She gave me some homework, one of which is that I – literally – have to count my blessings (one of them that I volunteered was my long legs, because I have a really short sister and I genuinely know how difficult she finds some stuff, but the counsellor lady did think that was a pretty unusual blessing to count). She also gave me some notes to read through to remind myself of some important stuff.  Here is one of them which I think might have some relevance to some of my blog friends who I regularly correspond with:

I accept that not everyone is the same, not everyone is able to show empathy in the same way, nor to be supportive in the same way. Some people are limited in this respect. This has nothing to do with me. Other people’s incompetence in being highly sensitive or empathetic has nothing to do with me. I accept their limitations along with their good intentions. I acknowledge the their “offensive intrusiveness” is something that I dot have to take personally. I choose not to take other people’s limitations personally. I am not responsible for them; I am responsible only for myself. 

That last part is really good. I choose not to take other people’s limitations personally. I am not responsible for them; I am responsible only for myself. 

Yes. I am only responsible for myself.

Only. For. Myself.

Love, the Hippopotamus.



14 thoughts on “A turd in a pool

  1. My first doctor I went to for infertility treatment also didn’t even bother doing an ultrasound beforehand. And she was a total bitch. I ended up changing to another doctor who was kind of more like someone’s grandpa but so awesome… but still it doesn’t seem like people test everything like they should… my thyroid got really screwed up as well from all my IVF and hormones involved in that, more than double what it should be… but it wasn’t until I learned about it on Google that it should be under 2.5 otherwise under treated it could cause miscarriage and worsen your chances of IVF success. I guess I could say I felt like I was treated like the turd in the pool. Oy. Here’s to happy endings…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I remember last time I had an scan mid-stims, so I don’t think this is the usual process, but that doesn’t really matter I don’t think. This doctor has a reputation as the best in the country but I am starting to think it’s all just hype. Sorry to hear your thyroid got messed up too. Mine is at 8.1 so more like 4 times what it should be for pregnancy – GREAT! My BFF knows all this stuff and told me mine should be under 2 actually. Anyway, it should come down in time I hope, otherwise I will be delaying things. Just another challenge to overcome… None of us are turds (actually maybe the bad doctors are) – it’s a hard road we tread. Hoping for more happy stuff for us both. xx


      1. Hey mine was at 8 this spring as well after 3 DEIVF transfers – after being around 3 in the fall. Somehow everyone thought it being at 5 was just fine last time around when I finally got pregnant then miscarried at 8 weeks. Trying to move forward mentally but it’s pissed me off so much to know that they could have done more thyroid work first. Sigh.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I changed primary care, yes. Can’t change RE at this stage and don’t want to as the alternatives in this town are not great plus anyhow I like the team at the fertility clinic otherwise ( not to mention they have my frozen embryos).

        Liked by 1 person

      3. My primary care physician is my regular doctor (general practitioner) who looked after me for multiple things, not my Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor/clinic) who has been doing my DEIVF transfers. My primary care gal dropped the ball on my thyroid care.

        I think it’s less to do with country (from all the blog reading I’ve done over the years) then that every clinic around the world seems to have different protocols and relationships with their patients. Some REs test everything and anything, and others don’t believe that things like immunology (which thyroid is tied to) affect fertility and implantation. Some clinics won’t work with women who have a BMI over a certain number even though weight has been shown to only be a factor in 10% of cases. Some clinics automatically genetically test, others do not.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. That makes sense. Thanks for the explanation. I didn’t mean you treatment itself was better/different by country – just that the terminology can be a little different. I know a bit about the UK system because I lived there for 10 years, and also the Australian system because that’s where I’m from. Just not so knowledgeable on the US. 🙂


      5. Nope, wasn’t assuming that, no worries! My husband is Australian and I’ve read multiple tales of woe on that side as well as from folks in the UK – seems like there’s a shitshow to deal with no matter what. The Australia system of not letting women sell their eggs is absolutely tragic – watching so many women have to fly somewhere to do DEIVF, ugh! And well I could write novels on the crap we deal with in the US when it comes to lack of basic universal healthcare 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Oh that’s cool. A bit of Aussie always brightens things up. I’m over in Europe now where nothing is covered by a public system or insurance or anything. I don’t think I can get donor eggs here (not an immediate issue just yet) but I think it’s possible by going to somewhere like Czech Republic. Ugh.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. FYI Baby Science Project went to Spain for her donor eggs, I think she said it was around $3500 (insanely cheap compared to the $17K we paid here), only had to make one visit to the clinic. I’ve heard Czech though is very popular as well and super low cost. I heard in Germany 3 rounds of IVF were covered, but maybe that’s only for citizens…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. So just to comment on IVF costs in Germany. If you live here and have health insurance then it covers 50% towards three rounds of IVF (only for married couples, woman aged 25-40, man 25-50. no donor eggs or sperm) . So mine costs around 2,000 – 2,5000€ each round. Without the health insurance cover it would be around 4,000€ (that’s basic IVF). There are some health insurances here that cover 75% or more but only if both partners are with the same health insurance provider (which isn’t the case for me). My husband has private insurance and actually if the cause of our infertility had been on his side then his insurance would probably have covered everything! But alas the cause is officially my fault (tubal issues). A lot of irish people go to Prague actually to get donor egg IVF done there and sounds like it’s good value.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow! That’s a great system! I think a regular round of IVF at my clinic is around €8000-€10,000 including meds and depending on what methods you use ILCI etc. Germany is much more reasonable!! I’ve also heard Prague is good for donor eggs and surrogacy. Also there’s some shit hot clinic in Spain (Madrid? I can’t remember). Mind boggling!!


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