There is nothing anyone can say

Yesterday was the end of being pregnant for me. You might argue that it actually ended the day the embryo’s heart stopped beating, but I don’t know precisely when that was, other than in the last week. Until yesterday, I still had the embryo existing inside of me, even if it wasn’t thriving so I figure that I was still pregnant until then.

But now it’s gone and all that is left is an emptiness.  How do I feel?  I mean, physically I feel mainly fine today.  I’m bloated and the pregnancy hormones are still floating about (they take a few weeks to completely go) so I don’t feel like I did before I was pregnant either.  I kind of feel like a frumpy version of my pre-pregnant self.  The lady at the supermarket asked me today quite innocently if we are planning on extending our family beyond cats (no, it looks like I’ll just start a cat empire actually) and I think that was because she could see my mini bloat belly and mistook it for something else.

Emotionally, I don’t know how I am. How am I meant to be?  I have randomly been sobbing on and off all week, but I think I’m pretty functional most other times. More than anything I feel empty. I’ve had so many thoughts the past few days and quite a lot of them have been around the topic of maybe it is time I quit this IVF stuff now. I think that will pass at some point and we will try again, but it’s just so exhausting mentally. All this failure saps the joy out of the rest of life.

As I was lying on the operating table yesterday, the anaesthetist – who is a very nice man and remembered me from my last missed miscarriage / D&C  (great, I’m locally famous as the woman whose babies keep dying) – was trying to be kind and was telling me that I will have a baby eventually and to keep trying.  I appreciated his support but all the while I was nodding and agreeing there were tears flowing like rivers down both sides of my face. I must have looked like a right old sight!

I woke up not very long later to find that everything had been cleared out of me. Now for those faint of heart and who do not want to know about gory stuff, DO NOT CONTINUE READING THE REST OF THIS PARAGRAPH. I don’t know precisely what happened, but the procedure seemed to have been a bit more brutal than the previous one. This time around I woke up to find what the nurses described as a “tampon” inside of me because my cervix had been cut a little. The doctor downplayed this so I am not really sure how much of a big deal this actually was, but I have suspicions it was more serious than he was letting on.  Anyhow, he instructed a nurse to remove the “tampon” and I fully expected her to whip out something akin to a Tampax. (The thought of another person removing this did not massively thrill me but I was so numb to people getting involved in my business by then that I thought it inconsequential). Anyhow, what proceeded to happen was that she pulled out what seemed to be three miles of cotton gauze from my lady parts. It was very much like one of those annoying clowns who goes to hand you a handkerchief from his sleeve and it just keeps coming and coming!  I was thinking how much more can there be??

They then made me stay in the clinic for another 30 minutes just to make sure I didn’t bleed more (again, I think what they meant is to make sure I didn’t have a life-threatening haemorrhage, which was a nice thought to have). Then it was straight home and back to bed to try and sleep off the anaesthesia fog. I had some pain initially but it wasn’t severe enough to take painkillers. Unfortunately I do have antibiotics to take for a week – I think thanks to the cervix situation – so I am still not drug-free! I am not happy about this but also I don’t want an infected cervix/womb so I’m not arguing this one.

While yesterday I had a bit of fog from the drugs most of the day, today has just been about getting out of the house and trying to be normal (see supermarket visit above).  Hubby and I went for lunch and I had a glass of wine (!!) which was really nice and I was pretty relaxed. We then went for a stroll to get some ice-cream and passed a total of four pregnant women within about 200 metres. Then we went into the ice-cream shop and two heavily pregnant women walked in together and I lost it. I just walked straight back out the ice-cream shop and sat down on a bench and had a cry in public like an idiot. Hubby just chose an ice-cream for me and came out and fed it to me without saying anything.

There is nothing anyone can say. I am just sad.

 

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