It turns out no miracles were granted to us this time. The doctor confirmed what I already knew in my heart of hearts. There is no longer a heartbeat.
The news didn’t shock me. It’s what I expected. I’m still sad and disappointed and frustrated and tired, but I am a tiny bit lighter now that I have actual clarification.
So what’s next?
First up is a D&C on Friday. I had a long chat with the doctor about the options and frankly all the natural or semi-natural options sounded way worse than the D&C. I’ve had that before so I know what to expect. Last time the worst bit was the pessary I had to insert the night before which is meant to soften the cervix. The cramping was so intense I didn’t sleep that night, so I asked the doctor today if that’s what they give people to induce labour and he said a version of it in gel form but it is about an eighth of the dose that I got. Holy cow no wonder I was suffering!!
Anyway, this time I’m going to put it in at about 3am so I can catch a few more hours of sleep before they kick in. The appointment is 7.30am and I expect to be home by mid-morning based on last time. The actual procedure takes 10-15 mins so the only real time spent at the clinic is coming around again after the anaesthetic. Last time I had a new mum wheeled into recovery next to me who was phoning all her family telling them about her new baby which hastened my departure from the clinic substantially!!
Apart from that I am now no longer banned from anything. I thought I’d be more excited about this than I am. I’d give up the wine and caffeine and running and everything else for a baby in a split second. But given I’m not getting a baby any time soon then I think I’ll crack on and enjoy the wine etc (in good time of course).
As for next steps, we are planning to do another entire cycle and get some fresh embryos even though I have one more frostie in the freezer. This time they will be PGS tested (if possible) so I’m hoping this helps us. We are also going to go for a genetic blood test thing just to rule out that there is not some weird and rare abnormality that means we can’t conceive healthy embryos (this would be a properly freak occurance, but we are not leaving any stones unturned).
The timeline for this is long though. First I have to wait for two periods after the D&C – that’s about 2 months from now. Then it’s a month on the pill before the downreg and then the stims and collection.
I will then wait another cycle at least to do a FET (no fresh!!) so we are looking at a transfer in Sept/Oct at the earliest. Ugh. I turn 38 in December and I feel the clock ticking.
I would like to say an enormous thank you to all the lovely ladies who have offered such generous support. There’s a few of you here who are in the early stages of pregnancy and I hope so much for you that you continue to progress well. I am thrilled for you and know you have all suffered your own sadness to get to this stage.
I love you all for your generosity and positivity. Strength in solidarity.