Counting down the hours and minutes

My positivity seems to have been short-lived as the past couple of days I have been feeling the weight of a kind of dread. I know what’s coming tomorrow at the next scan and I don’t want to process it. 

I’ve tried my best to continue on as though everything was fine and that my next scan would show some great growth and development but I’m almost certain that’s not going to be the case. I’m so sad I don’t even know how to express it. And I’m tired. Tired of all the trying, the invasive treatments, the waiting, the pausing regular life and then no good results to show from it. 

I can’t help but wonder why does this fate befall me. I thought I was due a success this time, I really did. I want this so badly and I thought that this would really help to weigh things in my favour. But it turns out this is not the case. I’ve been ultra-conservative in everything I’ve done – no alcohol, caffeine, excessive sugar, processed foods, lots of rest, the only exercise being walking (no gym or even yoga), no sex (that includes no self-loving); I even refused to drink tap water and have been drinking bottled water exclusively. What an idiot I am to have believed that this would work. 

So here we are a full year later from starting the IVF treatments and actually three years on from the first medical intervention (I had surgery to remove a fibroid before all of this) and what have we got to show for it? Nothing except a heavily depleted bank balance, a soft, damaged body and an empty soul. Is it worth it? Well it would be if there was a baby at the end of it, but otherwise no. 

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18 thoughts on “Counting down the hours and minutes

  1. I’m so sorry it’s like this AKL. The horrid thing is it feels like we are part of some sort of experiment. I really hope the next batch of embryos will bring you your deserved success. It looks like you have no issues with implantation but with embryo quality perhaps. I hope this gets corrected soon. At least we can take some comfort in knowing what actually might be wrong instead of not knowing at all so that we can work towards resolving it.

    But for now just hang in there yea? We’ll pray for a healthy, developing baby.

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    1. Totally feeling like a failed experiment and over it. I thought making a baby was meant to be full of joy. Yeah, not so much. I really don’t think it’s grown but in grateful for your optimism. xx

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  2. So sorry you are feeling like that right now… I know exactly what you mean and especially about depriving myself of the stuff you talk about and doing everything which I think is “right”. Will be hoping you get a different result to the one you expect tmrw xxx

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    1. Next time I should just forget all the “rules” but then I might blame myself even more. I’m fully expecting bad news and probably some kind of dismissive, vague explanation from the doc. PGS next time for sure!!! xxx

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  3. I feel so sad that you are in the midst of this. It can certainly get on top of you. It feels like a relentless battle. I wish we could have a crystal ball to tell us exactly when it will happen, then the journey to get there would seem more bearable. I feel like it’s all the unknowing that truly breaks us. Know that we are here for you. Xxx

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