The fear is creeping in

Reading all the other blog posts of other women who are struggling with infertility is really  fascinating.  The diversity in detail of everyone’s stories and battles is incredible and I learn so much every day from everyone, which is remarkable when you consider we are all strangers.

In some ways it helps to give me context to my own pain and reassurance that I’m not completely crazy (or if I am, you’re all joining the crazy ship with me), and it helps me realise that this in indeed hard.

The past few days I have really struggled.  I’m still struggling.  I’ve tried to work out the root cause of the sadness and I think it’s mainly fear. I am so utterly terrified that this little one won’t stick in here and keep on growing. As my miscarriage in December was a missed miscarriage (or silent miscarriage) I literally had no idea anything had gone wrong until I had my scan at about 8.5 weeks. With a regular miscarriage you get all the nasty stuff like cramps and bleeding.  With a missed miscarriage, the embryo just stops growing or the heart stops beating – usually due to a chromosomal defect (or that’s what they say; I actually think no one has any definitive idea).

I have my first scan coming up on Thursday and I think I’ve developed some kind of terror at what it might bring. I mentioned to someone else in one of my comments yesterday that I feel like I’ve got an embryo-based version of Schrödinger’s cat going on right now.  The embryo is both alive and dead in my mind until I have the scan on Thursday, and my pea brain can’t process this.

I can’t be happy until I know everything is okay.

I found a new statistic yesterday that says if the doctor finds a heartbeat at a scan at 6 or 7 weeks then there is only a 5% chance of miscarriage.  I was quite pleased with this statistic and shared it with hubby who then rightly, but quite brutally pointed out we had a scan at 6 weeks last time, had a heartbeat and still had a miscarriage.  Hmmm.

I also met today with my friend who has a beautiful 15 month old son from IVF and she’s a doctor.  She told me that if you can get to 9 weeks, the risk of miscarriage drops quite a bit and then drops a whole lot further past 12 weeks.  This cheered me up, even though I’m only now edging on 7 weeks (two weeks is currently feeling like two years).

In the past two days I have also relented and told two people about our news.  The second was my friend today, but I told her in the context that there is nothing to celebrate yet as it’s far too early. And I told my Mum on Monday.  My Mum lives across the other side of the world in my home country and she has incurable leukaemia.  She was diagnosed almost 4 years ago and told she has 6 months to live.  Well clearly the stats are not always right as she is still kicking about and – largely – living a regular life in between treatments.

Unfortunately her blood test results came back this time and they are a whole lot worse.  While not a massive shock as we have known this was possible and even inevitable for a long time, she has been doing so well that we all kind of hoped that she would keep on going forever. I have a deep and painful feeling in my bones that things may have taken a turn for the worst. But just like me and my embryo, we have to wait and see.  Obviously if she does take a dramatic turn for the worse I will return home – regardless of what’s going on with me – and stay with her.  So I thought our cautiously optimistic news would give her something nice to think about and perhaps dilute the impact of the bad results.  Also, I’d really, really love for her to stick around and see her grand-baby.

So many things to wish for during this period and to be strong for.

 

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24 thoughts on “The fear is creeping in

  1. I think your feelings are valid. I’m so glad you are writing out your fears. Blogging is so therapeutic. Glad you told your mom. Gives her something else to focus on. Hang in there. Hugs.

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  2. Sending warm wishes your way! My sister passed away from leukemia 30 years ago (the year before I was born). The research and medicine were so limited back then, thankfully they’ve come so far over the decades! I pray this benefits your mom and that both she and baby bean stay healthy and strong 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much! I’m sorry to hear you lost your sister so young. It really is a terrible disease. My Mum has been very strong and she has an excellent doctor who has been very successful with managing it with the medication. I’m optimistic we can all hang on in there for a while longer yet. 🙂

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  3. I get it completely, my 10 week ultrasound was Friday and mind you I have gotten 3 previous ultrasounds and everything has looked GREAT at each one but I still went in and tried to prepare myself for the worst. I do not feel pregnant, I have no symptoms of being pregnant but my little man is chugging on along just like he should be. I still do not think I have accepted that I am in fact pregnant yet. I pray your fear subsides soon though cause I know how terrifying it is!

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    1. I’m glad to hear a good story like yours. It makes me feel more confident. I really hope you’re right that everything is ok and I’m just worrying unnecessarily. And wishing you all the best for the rest of the pregnancy! xx

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  4. I learn so much from everyone too! It’s so much more complicated than I once thought! You certainly have a lot going on in your life. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and I hope that she will get to meet her grandbaby too, she sounds like a strong woman. The fear is terrible and unrelenting. I felt more anxious when I was pregnant than the entire IVF process (and I had never even experienced a loss at that point!) I was so shocked by how scared I was, because I assumed pregnancy would mean everything was suddenly peachy. I hope your fears disappear over the coming weeks, so you can feel nothing but joy! Xo

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    1. It does feel a bit overwhelming at the moment. Thanks for your comments about my Mum. I’ve been fortunate to have her around longer than initially thought and it was so emotional to have her at our wedding (we rushed it forward for her as I wasn’t sure she would make it). I’m definitely over anxious but tomorrow is the scan so I will have at least one benchmark to go from after that – good or bad. You know I have no reason to think it’s going to be bad other than fear. I should buck up! 😉 xx

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  5. This really sums up how I feel about the whole thing. I had a similar situation where we saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks but it had stopped growing at 7, and lost it at 9… So I guess we fall into the unlucky 5%.

    Right now I’m on the 2WW and wondering even if we’ll make it to a positive test. It just feels insurmountable right now.

    I hope that everything goes well with your scan and you can move on to the next milestone! X

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    1. Almost identical situation actually. Ugh. I like to think that missed miscarriages have to do with that specific embryo and not represent an underlying issue overall. Using this logic there is no reason why a different embryo should suffer the same fate. In any case good luck with the 2ww – keep your feet warm!!

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  6. Also I am so sorry to hear about your mum. A family of mine has a similar diagnosis and if it is any consolation has had it for years! I really hope your mum gets to meet her grandchild. Xx

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  7. It really is fascinating to read everyone’s blog and your not crazy! I know it sure can feel like that at times, like there’s a million miles between you and anyone else that’s not going through all the angst of this. Sending you lots of positive thoughts for your scan. Grow healthy and strong little embryo.
    Sorry to hear about your mum. She sounds like a string last and I’m sure your news was a nice lift for her too xx

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  8. It’s really interesting reading everyone’s blog. As much as you would never wish these circumstances on anyone it’s consoling to read other journeys.
    Sending you lots of positive vibes for your scan. Grow strong little embryo.
    Sorry to hear about your mum. She sounds like a strong lady and I’m sure your news gave her a nice lift xx

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    1. I find it interesting too. Thanks for the positive vibes. I’m feeling better today as I’ve been busy at work. It helps take my mind off things! My Mum is a tough one and I do think she enjoyed the news but in a cautious way. xx

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