Taking a breath

I’ve calmed down a lot since yesterday’s post, which is a good part down to the lovely bloggers who offered helpful words that took the edge off some of my worries. I have to keep reminding myself that everything is fine right now and just to worry about today. I think I gave that advice to someone else, but need to listen to it myself.

Apart from the study freaking me out yesterday, my doctor also really angered me. I sent him an email in the afternoon asking him if we should be monitoring my hormone levels because of my past history (aka miscarriage).  Rather than giving me some kind of consoling answer, he replied back simply with these words.

I think you should do what Google tells you.

Seriously, WTF?!  This is my doctor!

I showed it to hubby who was outraged, as was I.  After some reflection, I think he was trying to be amusing, but he failed miserably. I don’t know why he thought I might find that amusing, but I didn’t. Perhaps because I’m not a local and because usually I come across as fairly easy-going he thought I’d be cool with some joking.

It took a lot of courage not to write back some kind of nasty email to him (believe me, I wrote a bunch of hypothetical ones in my head), but rather I wrote back saying:

I know this might seem silly to you but please appreciate that this is all I can think about every day. If you think there is anything else I can do to prevent what happened last time from happening again please let me know. 

I felt good about this email as I wanted him to know it is not funny to joke about this stuff.  It’s a stressful situation and I’m a bit raw since our loss.  Surely it’s the job of the doctor to offer some kind of explanation when you ask a medical question, even if he is asked by 100 people a day stupid questions they have researched online. Anyway, he replied and he sounded much more conciliatory this time:

Of course i do. There’s nothing we can do to prevent anything. All we can do is the monitoring. You can do the blood levels which will be in the thousands but will still be inconclusive and repeat again in a few days- (which would be time for your scan).

If we were to find that the levels are dropping for example its purely information after the effect. Its based on that principle. Its not a problem to do the levels bit the process tends to become more more stressful without much added benefit.

That was the answer I was looking for the first time.  Was that really so hard?  Was I really asking such unreasonable questions.  I wonder if hubby will be able to keep his anger to himself next week when we are scheduled for the scan.  Because when my hubby is mad it is not pretty!

Anyway today I’m feeling a bit lighter about the whole situation.  I still don’t have any morning sickness but boy do I feel tired today!  I went for a walk around our local park tonight with hubby and I got about 15 minutes into what is usually a one hour walk and was contemplating a nice sit down.  Just to give some context, I’m into my fitness and used to train 4-5 times a week.  I’ve run marathons.  A 15 minute walk doesn’t even constitute a warm up in regular life. So even if I’m not turning myself inside out, I’m definitely feeling something.  And I have a decent bloat belly now which my hubby was making fun of (nicely) today.

This weekend is Orthodox Easter where I live, which means a lot of family occasions with the in-laws and eating, but also having to dodge attempts to supply me with wine. It also means 5 days off work which is BRILLIANT.  I fully intend to spend all those 5 days having afternoon naps.  Hahaha! I’m so exciting to be around right now!

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