The tyranny of waiting

Sometimes IVF just seems like some kind of evil test of patience. You are constantly waiting for something new to give you peace of mind, and yet rarely is this even possible.

So here I am with a positive blood test and a bunch of (faintly) positive HPTs and yet I’m still worried about whether there is an embryo growing inside of me. Hubby is vastly more positive than I am – perhaps he is able to see more changes in me than I can see in myself. He reassures me daily (who am I kidding, about 100 x a day) that everything is going fine and this one will stick.  He also likes to inspect and then tell me my boobs are growing, which is probably the biggest advantage of all of this for him.

Tomorrow is blood test number two and I think I’m actually more nervous for this one than I was for the first one. I love those of you who have shared your stories of having HCG levels less than my first reading of 80 – this gives me great confidence.  And anyway, the last pregnancy that ended in miscarriage got past this point perfectly well so there is no reason to think I have a specific issue at this stage of pregnancy (or at all, but who knows).

The previous embryo did have a higher HCG at this point, but also when they transferred it  into me it had already started to hatch out of its shell.  The one I have now was still in its shell when it was transferred so maybe it’s a bit slower to progress than its mate.

What I’m hoping for tomorrow is some kind of brilliant HCG score that shows normal progress and no greater need to worry than is standard this early in pregnancy. I’ve had practically no pregnancy symptoms so far apart from slightly larger boobs, increased thirst and minor fatigue. I so wish I had written down my symptoms last time so that I could compare notes on when I started to feel differently. I remember at some point I got extremely tired but maybe it was further along than I am now and I’m just being impatient for “real” symptoms to kick in.

Last time I had no morning sickness which worried me hugely. I’ve read in a number of places that morning sickness is a positive sign (though it might not feel like it). I also take after my mother in all things gynaecological and she was gruesomely sick with her pregnancies so this was also a warning sign to me when I felt fine.  Weird as this sounds, I am looking for the morning sickness as some kind of reflection that everything is going okay. I must be the only woman in the world wanting this!

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20 thoughts on “The tyranny of waiting

  1. I hope your levels are rising healthily!

    Ummm I don’t quite like the ‘all day’ sickness but looks like we can’t have the best of both worlds, so I’ll wish you some ‘sickness’ your way haha! 😊😊

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    1. I hope so too. Thanks for your kind wishes. We will know by this time tomorrow. I’m sure being sick is hideous but it’s got to be better than miscarriage! xx

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      1. Yes that’s true! I keep doubting the pregnancy too. And it took me a while to convince myself that all this gagging and nausea might be morning sickness – it’s been way too often and consistent to be anything else.

        Don’t worry! Before you know it, I’m sure you’ll be feeling nauseated too! 😁

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      2. Oh for sure its morning sickness. Next time you feel hideous have a little smile to yourself that this means you’ve got all the right hormones. 😎

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      3. No, just blood test. I guess if that’s bad he’ll bring me in for a scan. I live very close to my clinic so it’s not hard for me to drop by at short notice.

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  2. It’s almost like we can never stop worrying. Worrying about our follicles. Worrying about our embryos. Worrying about our BFP. And then, more worrying. I think it is safe to assume it will never end. My mom still worries about me. My best to you.

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    1. You’re completely right. I’ve promised myself if tomorrow’s results go well I’ll ease off on the worrying for a few days. I did just spend an hour crying at not particularly sad TV so maybe my hormones are just where they’re meant to be 😂

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      1. That is true. Makes The mama bear comes out. Just pretend you weren’t trying so hard. You wouldn’t even know you were pregnant right now. Try to relax and be patient. During a freak out moment earlier this week, the song patience by Guns N Roses came to mind so I listened to it. Actually helped me. 🙂

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      2. It’s true I probably wouldn’t know. This IVF takes the fun out of everything to do with making babies! Good suggestion. I’ll dig it out! Are you taking any blood thinners (e.g. Clexane)?

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  3. Pretty sure my RE said anything over 50 is considered good (may have even been 25?), so I think you are right on track. I am sure it is nerve wrecking after a previous loss, but please try to let yourself enjoy it. Your other, more obvious and painful pregnancy symptoms will come soon enough 🙂

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