Daring to dream

It’s almost been a full 48 hours since my embryo transfer so I’m now officially allowed out of the house. I started to get a kind of cabin fever yesterday – hubby and I have taken the decision that for two days I would stay at home and take it easy, including no work.  I’ve not even looked at my work emails, which is unheard of for me. It’s all these small things we are doing that don’t seem like much but will hopefully add up to a bubba.

I went into this transfer a lot less optimistic than previous attempts, but now I am allowing myself the chance to wonder what if it has worked?!  And how amazing would that be! I’ve been having some low level cramps the past couple of days, does this mean implantation?

After my miscarriage at Christmas I have not even allowed myself the opportunity to entertain the thought of having a baby. I even started to talk about how our life may be if we don’t have any children – suggestions so far include moving to another country (my husband and I are different nationalities and we live in his country now), but I suspect the real danger is I might instead create a zoo at home as I love animals! But now… maybe… just maybe there is a baby on the horizon for us.

I’ve only been on here for a short while, but I’ve already been gaining strength from the other brave and persistent wannabe mammas on here. One of the biggest challenges for me during all of this IVF stuff is that I have had very little support outside of my husband. But here there are a whole host of women who seem to be going through similar things and reacting the same way (I’ve decided this means I’m not crazy). Whereas most of the time in the “real world” I feel very alone and somewhat of a failure, here in IVF-blog-land,  I feel a real kinship among ladies.

I’ve commented on a few bloggers posts in the past few days where they have spoken about people being close to them being very insensitive. I can certainly relate to that. Just two days after the doctor scraped out of me what remained of my non-viable baby I had to endure a full-scale Mediterranean family Christmas and pretend like nothing had happened and that I was super-happy. And just for an extra sting in the tail, my hubby’s brother and girlfriend had given birth to a baby boy (accidental conception) just 3 weeks previously so everyone was naturally cooing all over the baby.  I have never wanted the world to swallow me up more.

While there were few people at that Christmas gathering that knew what was really going on with us, those that did never said anything.  Never asked me if I was okay. Never even asked if maybe I would like to skip the party or leave early. They just ignored the whole thing while swept up in the euphoria of a new baby in the family. And they have never said anything to me since either.  So in the almost-four-months since we lost our baby, they have not even acknowledged our loss.  This blows my mind and stabs me right through the heart.

Since then, for reasons too boring to write here, my husband has built a lot of the baby equipment/furniture for this couple and it breaks a little part of me every time to see him putting together stuff for someone else’s baby. Just Monday night (day before our transfer) hubby was asked to put together their new pushchair.  Hubby is excellent at this (bodes well) but I just want him to be building stuff for our baby.

Is that too much to ask for?

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Daring to dream

  1. Wishing you luck and sending you love. The support I have received in the blogging universe has made a massive difference to how I have coped recently. I wish I had started my blog sooner but as one lovely lady said to me better late than never! Take care and look after yourself xxx

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  2. Sounds like you have a nice positive vibe going on after this transfer , I figure that really it can’t hurt to allow yourself to feel
    Positive – even after such disappointment…and I wish for you so much to have this little embie stick for you. What date is your blood test as we wait together during the crazy 2ww??? Mines the 18th. People are so so insensitive and I am so very happy to have found this community and I too wish I had started it a long time ago. Stay strong lovely – you got this!!! 🙏🏻⭐️☺️ xxx

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    1. I know how ridiculous this sounds, but the doctor didn’t tell me my date of the test and I forgot to ask! Based on previous experiences it must be next Thursday 14 or Friday 15. I’ll send him an email to check. First time I’ve forgotten to ask that. Thanks for your confidence in me. Actually I think the positive vibe started after I began chatting to you lovely ladies last weekend. I’m so grateful to you for sharing your story. Safety in numbers (or something like that). 🙂 xxx

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  3. Wishing you luck and love and a generous helping of baby dust! I was just saying to my mum yesterday that I felt some “good” friends almost avoid me and the situation, it’s as if it’s like a contagious disease! I suppose they don’t know what to say for the best. X

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    1. Thank you lovely! I like to give some people the benefit of the doubt but ignoring the miscarriage as though it didn’t happen really was hurtful. In any case, I’ve learned now who to trust with precious information. xx

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  4. That is definitely not too much to ask for 🙂 I can relate to the insensitive people, my husband family is full of them. I really am praying this works for you! I just read through most of your blog posts to get caught up on you!

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  5. The emotions are so multi-layered in this process so it’s really helpful to hear kind words from others in a similar boat. It also makes me realise how many people are going through life with the same pain and trying to hide it from the world. Wishing you only the best too. 🙏🏻💗

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