T minus 2 days

We are two days away from our third embryo transfer and the Google-itis has set in. This is the phase when I start to search information online in the (probably misplaced) hope that I’m going to find some critical information which is going to better help the success rate of the transfer.

We have had one failed and one successful transfer previously; the latter was back in November last year. But unfortunately the joy and elation was short-lived as we found out at 9 weeks pregnant (a few days before Christmas) that the embryo’s heart had stopped beating.

It was brutal.

Looking ahead now, even though the last transfer was a success and we have no reason to think I did anything wrong previously, I have decided to take a more strategic approach to this transfer with proper scheduling in of full relaxation. That means four full days off work, with six days off if you count the weekend that will follow. Last time I worked right up to the minute of transfer then had the afternoon off work (but still emailing from the sofa) and then a couple of days at home, but still working.  Everything I’ve read suggests a low-stress environment, so in the interests of trying to help the success rates of the transfer AND trying to make sure I foster an embryo that has a strong heart I am going full zen mode for the next few days.

I’ve also started with some acupuncture, although perhaps that should have been started a bit earlier than I did, and will be having two sessions of acupuncture on the day of transfer: one before and one immediately afterwards.

The acupuncture has been weird so far. I’ve pretty much got little needle-fear after having jabbed myself so many times in the stimulation phase last August/September.  But still the concept of acupuncture takes a bit of getting used to.  I can’t say I’ve noticed any specific incredible transformation in my inner wellbeing since starting the acupuncture, but I sure do sleep a lot more!

As for the transfer itself, although I know the whole process quite well now and actually there is nothing really physically awful that I need to worry about, I can’t help but have a higher level of anxiety and fear than previous times.

Most of this is more connected to the miscarriage than anything else, but previously I was more positive, believing that it would work out. Now I have first-hand knowledge that it can work and then that joy can be taken away again very viciously and I think this possibility is what raises my anxiety levels the most.

In any case, I have made a conscious attempt to pull back the exercise to only low-impact in the past week. As quite a committed exerciser I am already bored with that and feeling fat! It’s not helped by hubby being able to continue on his exercise regime unchanged. He by no means rubs my nose in it, but I can’t help but feel envious of the fact that he doesn’t really have to change his lifestyle much in this whole process. Maybe that brings with it a different kind of stress, but at least his butt stays firm and pert in the process!

Anyway, I had two appointments with the doctor last week . The first one was to check things were coming along nicely. Then the second time was last Thursday where he saw my egg was about to pop (i.e. ovulate) and he gave me a blood test. Not only did the blood test show my LH surging (meaning ovulation is happening) but he wasn’t happy with my estrogen levels, specifically my estrodial, so now I’m on medication to boost my levels. These oral pills will tonight be joined by progesterone pessaries up my lovely lady parts tonight. One of my friends really, really hates the progesterone pessaries and I’ll confess they are annoying and messy. But what I really don’t enjoy is being “drugged” with these hormones. They make me bloated and I suspect they are responsible for giving me cellulite during my previous attempts. Hmmmm…. Just in time for swimsuit season.

As quite a few people close to us now know about our previous failed pregnancy and therefore many of them also know about the IVF (previously we kept it a total secret) I’m finding this time a new level of intrusive questioning than previously. Everyone seems to want to know what we are doing and when. I guess they are well-meaning but wow some of their delivery needs some refreshing.

What I would like to hear from time-to-time is people just asking how are you? Because I’ve not really been that great recently and no one has seemed to care enough to ask. I’m not saying they could have done much to turn that around for me, but the feeling of isolation during this period is intense. If it wasn’t for my hubby I think I would have gone full-scale crazy by now (he might argue I have).

Then there is one of my friends who has a toddler and a newborn and seems to have the misjudged opinion that I want to hear about how tough her life is right now. I’m not saying it’s not tough, but I am not in a position to identify with her. Not only can I not relate to it, but her moaning to me is just further rubbing it in to me that she has children and I don’t. I mean really, can you not complain about having a baby when I’m trying so very hard to have one and yet can’t? It just seems very insensitive and almost ungrateful.

Or maybe I am insensitive and ungrateful. The lines are so blurred these days.

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4 thoughts on “T minus 2 days

  1. I know (from experience) that it is a small but perceptible consolation when you lose a baby to know that at least you are capable of getting pregnant. I’m sure you know but most early miscarriages are due to a chromosomal abnormality and usually have nothing to do with anything the mother did so as awful as it is sometimes it’s kind of a numbers game (I had three babies and only one live birth). I hope this cycle is the one for you!

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    1. That is so kind of you to reach out. My doctor did tell me this at the time and the logic side of my mind understands and recognises it. The emotional side though initially rejected it and still occasionally returns to the place of “what if…” and so it’s good to hear stories like yours where you ended up with a lovely baby. Thanks so much for the positive thoughts. I’m hoping this is the one for us too! 🙂

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